tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11678331109367924162023-11-15T12:24:16.560-06:00an educating lifeAlways Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03939740751146584417noreply@blogger.comBlogger29125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1167833110936792416.post-40487042020113423622015-10-14T19:05:00.000-05:002015-10-14T19:05:09.119-05:00After a recent event, I was thinking over an exchange between my little and an adult. This event was a small gathering that we were a part of that included a couple of people my mini wanted to see specifically. We arrived after everyone else and my munchkin stated "I only wanted to see [person] and [person], I didn't want to see you." to one person.<br /><br />Now, I will admit that this blunt statement was a bit rude by some standards, and inappropriate, and that is something I may need to work on. The comment was not received well, to say the least. This was said to a full-grown adult, mind you, and someone that should be somewhat understanding of the ways of preschoolers. <div>
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At the time, I didn't think too much about the exchange or the way the adult chose to be a bit vengeful about it, saying that sharing snacks wasn't going to happen since my kiddo wasn't there to see them. </div>
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After thinking back on this, I saw it from a different perspective and am thinking more about the kind of "damage" this may have done. With my new thoughts, I saw this exchange more as my child TELLING THE TRUTH and this other adult trying to punish and scold for doing so. What kind of message does that send, really? My young, impressionable, growing munchkin making an honest, but uncalled for, expression and being made to feel bad for it. </div>
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No matter what level of guilt I feel in retrospection of how a moment may have been mishandled, I am always grateful for the new understanding of the situation. Going forward, I hope that I can maintain this level of awareness when my mini speaks the truth, no matter whether it is needed to be said or not. I pray, that going forward, I can be fully receptive to what my kiddo says and means, and that I can create a feeling of safety and trust between us, one that is always welcoming, no matter the subject. </div>
Always Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03939740751146584417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1167833110936792416.post-30200172568587348112015-06-20T11:06:00.000-05:002015-06-20T11:06:14.025-05:00Burning Bridges... I had a thought about burned bridges yesterday and this seems like the best place to write it out. I contemplated how some previous friendships/relationships no longer exist and realized there are some that I miss and some that I never want to go back to again.<br />
Those that seemed to fizzle out due to various circumstances associated with moving or changes in lifestyle. We just don't mesh into each others lives anymore, but the bridge isn't gone, we just don't both live at the ends of it anymore.<br />
Those that ended because of something that happened that seemed rather big at the time and caused one or both to feel that the connection was no longer needed. Although the bridge is gone, it is only burned and could possibly be repaired or rebuilt.<br />
On the extreme side of the ending of a friendship or relationship, something HUGE happened that caused one or both to no longer view the connection as a vital and important part of life, but rather as virus that is plaguing life. In these situations, I see the bridge as blown up, not burned.<br />
With the explosion, not only is the bridge completely destroyed, but the people at either end are forced to evacuate and move elsewhere. These are the connections that are done and over with, forever.<br />
As I thought about these bridges, I tried to sort out what could lead to bridges being burned or blown up, thinking that burned bridges are usually something we do in our relationships with others, but bridges are probably blown up by us because of the actions or choices of the other.<br />
I have probably burned a few bridges in my day because of what I have done or said, but I know I have blown up a bridge or two (at least) because I decided that something the other person did lead me to know they were no longer the kind of person I want in my life.Always Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03939740751146584417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1167833110936792416.post-20116888195890593522014-11-25T14:11:00.000-06:002014-11-25T14:11:07.278-06:00 I did something today that I never wanted to do, that I swore I wouldn't do. I hate that it came to it, I felt sick while I did it and fought the urge to cry (I was walking through a parking lot) afterwards. I might have lost the fight if I hadn't gotten a phone call that distracted me in that moment and changed my mental/emotional state.<br />
As much as I didn't want to do this, I did it, and I cannot and will not deny it. I did have a thought as I processed my emotions after I returned home. One of the reasons I didn't intend or want to ever do this, is because, as I have said, "It is hardest the first time.".<br />
I realized, now, that this is true for everything in life. And I think it becomes easier once it has been done because you did it and you survived.<br />
There are so many things in life that seem so frightening before we do them, but after the fact, we can often look back and wonder why we were so scared. I have gone through many moments of emotional and mental turmoil in my life but I have come out on the other side still kicking. I am a survivor, as the song says.<br />
There are some things that I never wanted to go through, mostly heart aches, but I am still going strong, damaged but not dead yet. I just wish that my life hadn't come to what it has come to today.<br />
I have done things since becoming a mother that I claim "revoke or deny" me my "Mother of the Year" nomination/award, but this probably is the worst in my mind. Always Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03939740751146584417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1167833110936792416.post-42836994098605612382014-08-10T22:04:00.000-05:002014-08-10T22:04:18.862-05:00Trying to start a new chapter in our lives....being a working single (solo) mama, and my little is starting preschool this year also. I have been a bit apprehensive about the whole school thing but it is cheaper than using day care all day so that was my motivation for that idea.<br />
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I started a job this last week at a local factory and now I am facing down a difficulty of living in such a small town/community of towns....people don't want to open their day care up that early in the morning. I understand, I don't really want to get up as early as I do for work, but it is the job that came along and so I took it.<br />
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The stress of finding day care is now driving me mad. The stress depresses me, and that just stresses me more....it is a vicious cycle that I cannot seem to get out of. One feeding/causing the other. I moved us out of a town (that I am truly thankful to be out of and away from) that had factory jobs and both in-home and center day cares. The thing I am missing right about now, though, is the in-homes that worked second shift. Where we are now is only in-home day cares in town and they all want to work day shift hours. I cannot blame them for that, I ideal would love to have a regular shift position, but there aren't too many of those around either.<br />
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I have a surgery scheduled in just over a week and this job I have now is understanding of that and still offered me the position knowing that....I didn't think I would get anywhere until after I was healed up so that made me feel so much better. But now, with the day care issue, I am just feeling so defeated and crushed. I am at such a loss as to what to do. Part of me thinks I should try for a different job so I don't have the hours issue with day care, but so many of them where full that I don't know if I would actually find one any way. I could try to work just during the hours of preschool but that is barely part time, and probably wouldn't pay the bills.<br />
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When I was weighing the consequences of our move up here, this was not one of the situations I considered. I thought of the support we would have with my family around us, and the struggle I would have mentally and emotionally, dealing with our differing views and beliefs, but I never thought that I would find it such a struggle to find a day care provider. I worked for a short time during the summer last year and was able to get a slot in a center in the town I was working right away, but this year I am looking for too early of an hour for drop-off for many people and others are already full.<br />
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It is pushing me to want to quit this job, but without school this fall, I don't have that option really, not unless I find a different job first. Since I made some poor choices in the past (lessons learned), I am not able to drive currently, so that puts a HUGE damper on my job choices/searching, also. I either have to find something within walking distance, OR I have to find something where some one I already know is already working. It isn't easy since I have been a shut-in for the majority of our time here. I haven't tried to meet people or make friends so I only have family to rely on for job sources and only three work, and two of them out of town. My options are seriously limited and I am feeling the stress of that as well.<br />
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Last week I was thanking God because it was practically raining job and interview offers, and this week I feel just as desperate as I had felt about finding a job, only now I have been praying for it to rain day care openings. I keep having this idea that maybe I jumped on the wrong job offer, but I am not sure if that is really the case. I had one offer for in town but the hours are going to be pretty similar and the pay is less so I don't know how it would be a "better" choice.Always Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03939740751146584417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1167833110936792416.post-79835533034568878072014-06-21T10:14:00.002-05:002014-06-21T10:14:42.311-05:00 So, I realized at some point, either during my pregnancy or after my mini was born, that part of my "job" as a parent was to not only raise my little by what I purposely taught, but also model what a mother is. I was setting an example of what is and isn't appropriate for a mother to do.<br />
I also realized, that if the other half and I had managed to remain together, or any guy that may come along in the future, is, or will be, part of that model. The other half or the guy would be an example of what a father should be. I would need to keep that in mind for any guy that enters our life and choose a guy that would be a proper example, and the two of us would be the model for what a relationship should be.<br />
As the mother, I would show what behaviors were acceptable of a wife and mother. I was more than raising my little, but setting up my mini's future relationships and life. Any guy that became a part of our daily life would also become a part of that model for the future.<br />
As I am modeling what a mother should be, and whoever this guy may be would be modeling what a father should be, we would also be modeling what a relationship should be like. Not only by how we act and treat each other, but also what treatment and behaviors we accept of the other. It isn't just how I act, but also what I allow the other to do and how I let that person treat me.<br />
I realized more recently that it goes beyond the example I set, though, as I have seen many couples over the years and therefore seen examples other than my own parents, I have learned things others do that I do or don't like. My own child/ren will, too, experience many relationships. It will go beyond the example I set, but extend to those of friends, family and the parents of other kiddos.<br />
The treatment of others is something that will come from many different sources, but the mundane stuff that comes from being in a relationship, a true partnership, are the examples that will mainly come from home. Showing my mini life skills like laundry, grocery shopping and bill paying, are things I am tasked with as a solo mom. If, in the future, there comes a man to step up as a father and husband, then, together,we will model how to discuss problems, how to talk to one another, how to balance housework, and child rearing.<br />
I guess it goes beyond me learning from my mistakes, but also using that knowledge in a positive way to also teach my kiddo/s, and always remembering that it matters not just what I say, but how I say it and above that, how I act.Always Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03939740751146584417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1167833110936792416.post-58110424525044715212014-04-24T13:34:00.000-05:002014-04-24T13:34:25.450-05:00I know I am blessed, that my child is a blessing. I know this, but I don't always remember, or realize just HOW blessed I am. That is, until I see or hear about what another child is like. Recently I have given some thought to this because I read about what other kiddos are like on social media or through public interaction and I realize that my little is even more well behaved than I thought.<br />
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I don't mean to sound like "my kiddo is better than all the others" or that other kiddos are "monsters" because I know that most of the behaviors I read about or encounter are usually typical behaviors and not anything extreme, it just makes me realize that my child is not falling into the "average" behavior categories and I am very blessed by having a child I can trust. This is very handy as a single (or as I sometime refer to myself as, solo) mama. I can trust my child to remember boundaries and behavior expectations if I am preoccupied with house chores or if I need to take a shower (which I usually do later at night after my mini is sound asleep but not always).<br />
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I have recently been told by my family, and even seen this myself, that my kiddo will reply to an offer of something I have not allowed or do not allow with "Mama says no." I really like that I can trust my mini to remember the boundaries I have set and try to enforce them in my absence. I wish I could say I trust my family just as much but they are the ones that will make the offers for things that I don't allow, in my presence as well as my absence.<br />
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I am not pleased with their tactics when they offer things I don't permit behind my back, or when they try to manipulate me to allow something by having my munchkin be the one to ask me if it is alright. I am very blessed to have a kiddo that recently responded to an offer of Root Beer (because it was a holiday) with "My Mama says no. Please can I have some milk?"Always Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03939740751146584417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1167833110936792416.post-65421446433464066492014-03-15T12:35:00.000-05:002014-03-15T12:35:06.707-05:00"Play is the work of childhood". I have seen this phrase many times over the last few years. I like it, and always have. Today, though, I really thought on it. Too often, as an adult, we are aware that other people see us and judge us. As a child, you are not as aware, and feel more free to really be you and enjoy life.<br />
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As I was scrub-a-dub-dubbing my mini this morning after a messy breakfast, I enjoyed a little fun too. I pretended I was the firefighter minion from Despicable Me 2 (be-doh be-doh). As I was playing and laughing along, I thought of two different aspects.<br />
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One being the freedom I felt that it was just me and the munchkin so no one would pass judgement, and two, that when I am having fun and stressing less, my little has more fun too. I really want to work more at feeling free to play along and enjoy our time together. I want to have more fun and less stress. Hopefully, if I can make this a reality, my babe will have happier times.<br />
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As a parent, well thee parent, I have many roles and responsibilities when it comes to my kiddo's life, but I need to make sure that having fun is a major part of it. I need to focus more on enjoying our time together and making each moment worth remembering. As my little is getting older and more likely to retain these moments for life, I want them to be pleasant.<br />
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I do get caught up in wanting to make and see my mini smile and laugh, but I also get caught up in my adult stress and reality too much. I let myself get bogged down with chores and homework and let the pressure get to me. I worry about things that won't happen for a while, rather than focusing on what is happening right now. I let the realities of parenthood and adulthood weigh on me and distract me from the real joys of being an adult and parent.Always Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03939740751146584417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1167833110936792416.post-60143892616489130212014-03-14T23:01:00.003-05:002014-06-20T23:06:03.116-05:00When I was a child, the phrase that seemed to be the worst was my mother saying "because I said so". As a child, that seemed to lack any real reasoning. All she could come with was telling me to do things because she told me to.<br />
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As a mother myself, now, I have a whole new understanding. It isn't just "because I said so" it is "because I am your mother and I said so". These things are not intended to harm the children, they are intended to mold the child, protect the child. Well, at least in most cases it isn't a power trip, anyway.<br />
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I used to think, I will never use "because I said so" as a response, but, I will now admit, I have. But only because it truly does say what I mean. The simple phrase conveys that I am the mother, I know what is best for you, your compliance shows me respect, so therefor, do as I say.<br />
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I know that still kind of sounds like a bit of a power trip, but it is also in how and when I use it. Sometimes it is just quicker to say that instead of a full and lengthy explanation that a toddler won't really understand. Sometimes these words are used out of frustration because I have been "nagging and harping" for too long (or so it seems).<br />
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I don't know if I was right or wrong as a child, when I thought my own mother was just saying it in a way of "I am your mother, now do as I say" but I know that I have no intentions of having my own child/ren see it that way. I want to make sure that my child/ren have options when appropriate and feel involved in as many decisions as possible.<br />
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I think far too many children are exposed to situations and ideas that extend far beyond what is appropriate for their age group. Many have more expected of them than they should and less childhood freedom. This goes beyond the "babies having babies" thing when I say that there are too many parents out there that are not mature and ready to be a parent. I can look back on friends I had in my early twenties that had babies and kids that did things with their kids around that were some what inappropriate.<br />
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I have cussed and heard it come right back at me from my little one's mouth. Why is it that when ever you want your child to say something or repeat you, you get nothing, but as soon as something they should not have heard is uttered (or even muttered) within a five mile radius, they say it over and over? I am aware that my mini will repeat and so I have cleaned up my language, as well as been more mindful of what language and ideas are permitted.<br />
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I only listen to "adult" music with my headphones on and only play songs that are appropriate for toddlers and little kids through external speakers. I only use toddler friendly ringtones and we only watch movies that are family friendly and if something comes out later as being "scary", it is taken out of our rotation of movies. I have cut back our movie watching time also.<br />
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It is important to me that my child/ren be able to have a childhood while it is available. Adulthood is for keeps, I cannot get mine back or trade it in for another childhood. I try to remember, just like each passing moment with my kiddo is precious and fleeting, so is childhood. I would rather it be a fun experience worth looking back on and smiling.Always Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03939740751146584417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1167833110936792416.post-7556951478684371912014-03-06T02:26:00.000-06:002014-06-20T23:10:08.311-05:00 I like to consider myself truthful, honest and genuine, but I just had a thought that maybe I am not so much. I don't lie, well, not really. I do hold back sometimes, or "sugar coat" things or word them so that they don't seem so bad.<br />
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I don't really think I am the only one who will claim to be fine when I am not, but I think we all do it for the same reasons. Sometimes, because we don't really want to talk about whatever it is, or because we just don't want to talk about it with that person. Maybe we just don't want to burden them with our problem/s for whatever reason.<br />
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In reality, I think we all know, on some level, that sometimes that question is not genuine. The person asking is only being polite. Don't get me wrong, I know that there are those that are really asking because they care, but we all know who they are in our own lives and we know how to answer them.<br />
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We all know who we can turn to when we need to talk about something, need to vent or just a sounding board. We know the ones we can trust our secrets with, just as much as we know those that are only looking for gossip or are just following etiquette.<br />
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I used to answer that I was "tired" just because I felt like the person asking was just being nice and expected to hear "fine". So now, looking back, I wonder who is more genuine in these moments. Are those that ask out of some obligation to be "polite" or is it those that oblige and respond with "fine" or "good" out of the same respect.<br />
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What would the world really be like if we only greeted people with real honesty and responded in like fashion? Does this social dance make the world really that much better? Is this a dying practice?<br />
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I have seen various quotes pertaining to being "nice" to others because it can change their day, and read stories of simple acts of kindness that seemingly changed the course of someone's life. Not trying to discredit them or anything; mainly because I truly want to believe that such goodness still exists in our world today, but I wonder if false kindness does more harm than good.<br />
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Is it possible that these little "lies" of interest or concern are capable of causing more hurt in the long run. It is very easy to misread someone, especially when we get so caught up in impersonal communications like texts and social media. It is easy to forget the power our words have, especially those that aren't spoken.<br />
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Written words have power, and can be misconstrued. Written words are like art, they can have different meanings to different people. Songs, pictures, poems, paintings, all works of art that can speak to us all in various ways, even to one of us depending on our mood.<br />
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The spoken word, though, holds much more power. Words spoken with a kind voice are taken one way, while the same words spoken in an angry voice convey a very different message. Our voice tone, our body language, our stance and gestures, the volume of our voice and the inflections we use, all combine to create the actual message of our spoken words.<br />
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Always Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03939740751146584417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1167833110936792416.post-52218703661696723192014-03-03T22:30:00.000-06:002014-06-20T23:17:38.231-05:00 We recently had a visit from the other half. Fourth one since we officially gave up trying to make it work and first one since summer. It was awkward and I stressed about it up until it was over, which it was a really short visit so I felt like I had really over-stressed and over-prepared.<br />
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I understand he has a life to live and other children. I understand he has a job and other responsibilities, I even understand that I am the one that moved us roughly two hours away. What I just cannot understand is the total and complete lack of concern or "attention".<br />
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I have been thinking about this, much of my little's short life, as well as times during my pregnancy (since we were split up more than we were together) as well as throughout my life. I had an absentee father as well. I went on the emotional roller coaster of abandonment, unwanted, unloved and many other feelings and issues. I never wanted this type of struggle for my own child so I find myself in unwanted waters.<br />
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My issues with my own father and his lack of involvement and contact during my life has left me with certain voids and apprehensions as an adult, among other issues. I have struggled with them more and more as I have gotten older. I know that I may never fully work through all the issues and I worry about the impact upon my own child who's father has shown no real interest or involvement.<br />
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I struggle with certain aspects of our past in our current situation. I have chosen to leave my old life behind, and with it many of the connections I had have been severed. I have chosen to cut people out of our lives because they were not having good effects on me or us. With this choice, nearly two years ago, to move away, I also chose to move on...FRESH. Since the other half had not bothered to be a part of anything for nine months, I took that as an indication that he was not interested or intending to be involved at all.<br />
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About nine or ten months after we moved, he emailed me and it sounded like just business, but then he continued to email, claiming he was not getting responses from me. I finally created a new email address and started communicating that way. He ended up making the trip and having a short visit about a year ago now, and a couple more during the summer.<br />
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As I mentioned, he has other children. Children I had interacted with and gotten to know and come to care about. It is tough, but I choose not to really ask about them now. Not that I don't care, but because I don't feel like it is my business anymore. I left that part of my life behind and I am not wanting to overstep boundaries or cross lines. This truly is new territory for me and I am making the choice I feel is best.<br />
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I often wonder if it is possible to ever really stop caring. How long will it take before I am no longer questioning if I am really caring or if I am trying to be nosy. I may come across as uncaring, but I give back as much as I feel I get. I rarely hear from the other half, and when I do, it is usually a simple "How are you guys" text. The messages come at irregular intervals, usually one to two weeks apart, but it has been longer, even over a month at least once.<br />
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I question how much is actual interest, and how much is obligatory. I wonder how it can be, that a parent can show such little regard for their own child. I know my parental experience and connection is different, but he has chosen to be disconnected. He has never asked for much more than random visits. He has mentioned taking my child for a night or two "to give me a break" to which I replied "I am not looking for a break".<br />
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I cannot speak for the future, but I know, for now, I am content to have my child with me, and not two hours away...especially if things do not go smoothly. I have no intentions of denying visits, but I worry about their sporadic occurrences and the impression they will have in the long run, especially as the years go by and my babe gets older and more aware.<br />
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Currently, my mini only knows him as "The Guy". I haven't placed any parental/paternal title on him, because one, I don't think he has really earned any, and two, because I don't want my child to think that this kind of presence is acceptable for a father. I have considered using his actual name, but I feel that is inappropriate. In time, if his involvement doesn't pick up, then I may go that route, but if it does and/or I ever feel it is the right time to use a paternal title for whatever reason, then there hopefully won't be any (or at least as much) confusion.Always Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03939740751146584417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1167833110936792416.post-83584245554464824422014-03-03T00:51:00.000-06:002014-03-03T00:51:02.588-06:00 I realized something about myself today. I accept my failings as failure. I hadn't ever thought about it, but for some reason this crossed my mind today. I thought back about things I have started or set out to do and then never saw them all the way through or didn't continue them.<br />
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In the past, I have tried to start new habits or give up bad ones, and done well....for a time. I once decided to give up caffeinated drinks, and I managed just fine for around two months, until I, with out thinking, had a sip out of a friends drink at a restaurant. Didn't think about it until later, but when I did , I saw that momentary slip as a sign to forgo the whole "giving it up".<br />
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I really had no reason to actual give them up, I just did, and continued on with the choice until that one day that I had a sip of a drink to see how strong it was. Thinking back farther in my life, I can remember another time when I saw fit to end my avoidance based on an unintentional slip. I was 21 and had never had a drink, and really had no intentions of having one, but, while dining with my then boyfriend at a local sports bar/restaurant, we had a server who was in training and somewhere along the line my drink order was messed up. I had ordered a slushy drink from the non-alcoholic menu, not knowing there was an alcoholic version on the menu as well, just in a different color.<br />
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I chose not to complain about my drink being the wrong color, thinking that was the only problem with it. Later I felt sick and light-headed, I thought I was sick from the food, my boyfriend had tasted my drink but didn't say anything at dinner, informed me that it might have been from the alcohol. After that, I felt that since I had already had a drink, might as well drink more, so began the first bout of my drinking days.<br />
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There have also been countless times that I have tried to start good habits around my house, as well as in my general life. All have been abandoned for different reasons that I cannot recall, but I am sure that some were just giving in to the feeling of defeat.<br />
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As I was thinking on this issue today, I connected it with New Years Resolutions. I am not a big fan of the tradition, but understand the meaning of it. I, as with many other holidays, don't like the calendar telling me when I can or cannot do things. As a child I liked to play dress-up, I didn't limit myself to only doing this on Halloween and just yesterday I used three packets of Kool Aid to dye eggs with my munchkin. Easter is almost two months away still but I don't see why I cannot color eggs now.<br />
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I use this same line of thought when it comes to resolutions. Start them whenever, the only draws to January first, that I can see, is that it is the start of a new year, and so a "new you" too, and that it is easy to track your progress if you have a notable start date.Always Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03939740751146584417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1167833110936792416.post-28765034848365803492014-03-01T09:40:00.002-06:002014-06-20T23:23:16.677-05:00 I really like this new trend of decorating with phrases, I have different forms of them all over our home. I have one in our kitchen/dinning area, one for in my babe's room and five in our living room. I am not done, by any means...we just need a bigger home. I would love for us to have a house that is all ours so I could feel more comfortable putting up the vinyl letters rather than having them still between the papers that are masking taped to the wall.<br />
So I went on a nice shopping day last weekend and I bought one of those black wall hangings with the white lettering. It is not the first one I have bought for myself but this one was more as a reminder to have around the house. It reads "BEHIND EVERY GOOD KID IS A GREAT MOM".<br />
To me, it sounds a bit wrong, almost like bragging, but for me it is just something to help me remember that I have a wonderful kiddo and so I must be doing more things "right" than "wrong". I would like it better if it read "BEHIND EVERY GREAT KID IS A GOOD MOM" but it serves its purpose for now.<br />
I joke about loosing my "mother of the year" title or chances many times throughout the year but I do actually have moments where I fear that I am lacking in my mothering skills, making mistakes or potentially messing my kid up, it is nice to have something that could catch my eye and remind me that I must be doing a pretty good job after all.<br />
I have a fantastic little and since I have been doing this whole parenting thing solo, it is a credit to me. I have taken charge of teaching, training and molding my mini to be this great and wonderful person. I have earned each moment of pride and each embarrassing instant as well.<br />
I am not trying to brag about my my munchkin being amazing and spectacular, because I know we all have awesome littles that we are proud of, and part of being a parent is the worry and fear, but a reminder that we are doing a grand job is nice...and probably needed some days.Always Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03939740751146584417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1167833110936792416.post-9492876761791858012013-11-03T22:51:00.001-06:002014-06-20T23:27:36.239-05:00OK, it has really been a while since I posted. I knew it had been a bit, but didn't realize I was nearing a year...this year has really flown by. It has been mostly me stressing (which is normal), a lot of "blah" and mundane everyday stuff (which, too, is normal) and a little bit of new stuff that I just haven't really felt the need or desire to share.<br />
Well, I guess the first "OBVIOUS" place to go is that I am really bad at writing to people, even an audience but I have actually pulled way back on posting on media sites as well. Some of that is me being guarded and trying to keep some sort of anonymity, especially for my wee one, but also I am just not that exciting. I really am quite boring. Each day is pretty much the same cycle of us just living. playing and learning. My little is learning new stuff all the time, but mainly my learning seems to be learning what new thing my babe has discovered. New words, new interests and new abilities.<br />
It somewhat saddens me that I have failed to keep up with this blog like I had originally planned, but I am a very quiet and secretive person so I guess I should expect that even blogging as an "unknown" still makes me feel vulnerable. I have intense social anxiety, and I am not really sure where it originates from, but in High School and for some time afterwords, I remember feeling [....] with so much certainty. I seemed to move past it and gain some social confidence but it has gone now and I am back to [....]<br />
I know it is all in my head, I mean, in my head I know it is just my head over thinking situations, but in my heart, I just cannot handle it. To be honest, I think the state of the world has something to do with it as well. The news is scary and sad so much of the time, and I was just thinking earlier that I think this world needs a news station that only airs (and prints as it would be) the "happy" and "feel-good" human interest stories. There are so many local and national news stations that are always on top of all news stories, good or bad, and if that is the kind of news you want, it would still be there. But sometimes I think everyone would like a break from the sad and scary reality of our world and to sit down and focus on inspiring news stories. To devote a whole news show, or channel even, to stuff that would shine a light on helpful people and various acts of kindness, of people "paying it forward" and the stuff the "restores faith in humanity". The uplifting stuff that gets cast in the shadow of shootings, rapes, kidnappings, violence and drugs. These news stories are in the news papers and magazines, in our email our Facebook and Twitter feeds, conversations with friends and/or co-workers. We are constantly bombarded with the negative that it is hard to remember the bright spots, let alone shine them for all to see.Always Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03939740751146584417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1167833110936792416.post-51854784736595742582013-01-30T16:43:00.000-06:002013-01-30T16:43:17.233-06:00So, I live my life with no regrets. To most people that probably sounds like I am an adrenaline junkie, and always take risks, but that is not the case with me. For me, living with no regrets means that I don't regret anything in my past, nor my present (which will be my past in the future).<br />
It may not make sense to you (or it might) but it does make sense to me. I think, re-think and probably over-think, most of my choices and decisions. I really try to think of all possible outcomes and make sure that I can live with them before I go that route. I don't commit to any choice unless I am as mentally prepared for the fall-out as I can be. <br />
I don't regret anything because I wouldn't change any of it. As I think back over my life, there are times and events that I am not so proud of, but I would not change them for anything. I have given this much thought, and I know that, although I am not overly please with or happy about my life right now, I know it could be worse.<br />
I always thought I would be married and have kids (note the 's', I do mean more than one.) by now. I wanted to be a wife and mother early in my twenties, rather than being a 30 year old single mother to one child. Even though I had different plans for my life than my reality, I wouldn't change anything in my past.<br />
Even if it would mean me having the life I used to dream of, I wouldn't do it. I would not give up my child or our life together for it. I wouldn't want to have all of that without my babe, so I wouldn't risk it.<br />
For as long as I can remember (while being able to think this way, that is) I have even taken the time to calm down (usually, anyway) before I speak. I like to make sure I am thinking clearly and that I say and act in an honest way. I cannot say it such a philosophical way of life, that I am always thinking "you cannot take that back", but more that I know anger is more than just an emotion. Anger is also an impulse and things that are said or done in anger are not always true. I have heard that, in anger, people are more honest because they are not filtered, but I don't fully support that view.<br />
In my experience, I am defensive when I am angry, so I go on the attack. I will say or do things that I am sure will hurt the person I am angry at. It might just be me outgrowing childlike behaviors or becoming more aware of other's feelings.<br />
I have not experienced this yet, but I have heard about it. Children will claim to hate their parents when they are mad, and we all know that isn't true, so perhaps it is just that I am more mature. Either way, I know I am going to have to live with and answer for all of my decisions, so for that I am trying to be sure I can hold my head high later in life when the questions come.Always Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03939740751146584417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1167833110936792416.post-44256848615290469732013-01-12T14:50:00.002-06:002013-01-12T14:50:44.788-06:00I had a revelation the other day, and from that I am working on become a more positive person. Too often I find myself focusing on the bad of each situation. In the moment, especially. So now, I am working on finding the good and making that my focus. The biggest struggle is going to be within my immediate response, and so that is where I need to work the most. I figure if I focus on finding the good right away, the rest will take care of itself.<br />
As examples, I offer up, first, the event that started it all. My wee one poo'ed in the bath a while back and my first thoughts were how horrible this was. I had just cleaned the tub, well the whole bathroom, actually, earlier that day. Now, after putting my babe to bed for the night, I was going to have to tackle that smell, pick the poo's out of the tub and flush them and clean the tub all over again. For an hour that night, that was all I could think about. Then, once it was all taken care of, I was chatting with a friend and I realized the bonuses in the situation. Better in the bath than the bath towel or the fresh clean diaper. Better before going to bed than in the middle of the night.<br />
More recently, I slipped on some ice and landed on my hands and one knee...my bad knee but that is a different issue. I had just left an appointment and was on my way to the car. In the amount of time it took me to walk across the street after my slip, I was already thinking how glad I was that my cell had been in my purse rather than still in my hand. It may seem monetary and trivial compared to other things I could have been grateful for. But not having to replace a three month old phone was it at that moment.<br />
I find that my ability to focus on my gratitude so soon after my fall the other day shows great progress. Each and every day I am leaning from my child and growing into a better person. The kind of person I want my child to be.Always Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03939740751146584417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1167833110936792416.post-80092811880781841242012-09-21T14:47:00.000-05:002012-09-21T14:47:05.854-05:00 I have been focusing on taking the good with the bad...or the bad with the good, I think it matters how its said. Recently my little treasure poo'd in the tub, and at the time I thought that was bad. Uggh, I had to clean the tub AGAIN, and getting wet poo out and into the toilet isn't fun. After a while I was looking at the whole situation from a different perspective. Rather than dwelling on the extra work of cleaning out the tub, I realized that my babe saved a diaper and me a diaper change, or better, didn't poo in the towel right after the bath.<br />
There are some things about our new home that I don't like and that make me miss our old apartment. There are also many things about this apartment that I like better. In the end I think I would take this apartment with its drawbacks over the old apartment with its luxuries.<br />
The good with the bad is my new focus, and yes in that order. I think taking the good with the bad sounds more positive and I need a more positive out look. It is the beginning of fall, and that is my favorite time of year. I like winter too, and love the holidays, but fall is my favorite season. I love the smell and sound of the leaves, the cool air, apple cider and bonfires. But, with all these good things about fall, I am also stuck dealing with flies in my apartment driving me nuts. Like seriously, right now one keeps buzzing around me. I thought the little buggers only lived for a day...if that is true, I would be very interested to learn how they keep getting in.<br />
Anyway, School is back in session and I am getting back into that routine, the temperatures are getting lower and the breezes are getting chilly. I am spending time with my babe and loving every second of it. There are still things that I wish were different about our lives but the changes will come. For now I am going to focus on finding the good in all situations and enjoy them.Always Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03939740751146584417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1167833110936792416.post-74028006685538869492012-09-02T12:15:00.000-05:002012-09-02T12:15:03.354-05:00I have recently found myself contemplating my motives. I named my child after a deceased member of my family, and now am wondering why I chose that person. They weren't really a big influence on me or a major part of my life, but yet I chose to name my first born after them. I feel like maybe I tried too hard to please someone, even though they are dead. I feel like I am still trying to have that connection that I wanted but didn't have. I was jealous of the relationship other family members had with this person (one in particular, but you'll have that LOL) and always wanted to feel as though I was special to them too. That I was worth the time and effort.<br /><br />I have, over the last nine and a half years, gotten a better look at my own mother from a different perspective. I see where there were things I want to emulate with my own child, but I am even more firm to not become her. I find myself, now, wondering if her behaviors are part of why I didn't have the relationship I so desired. Was I shunned by this family member BECAUSE of my mom? I know that we moved away when I was young, so having that close everyday relationship wouldn't have happened, but would it have if we hadn't moved.<br />
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If she is the cause of the lacking relationship, would it have been different if we hadn't moved?<br />
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I know that this recent train of thought is mostly associated with our moving since we are back where I started. Yes, back in the town I lived when I was a baby, back where my mom's family is from and much of it is living. I have a the whole love/hate thing going still about the move and keep thinking that I just want to pack up and move away, but then realize that I would be no happier...at least not yet. I have a few more things to get sorted out in my own life, then I could move away with less worry. EXCEPT that I wouldn't know where to go. I don't want to go back to where we were....well, I do for the doctors, I loved my babe's doctor and my OB/GYN. I don't know if I could move some place were I don't already know some people that I can trust so that only leaves where I grew up, and, well, I don't know how "profitable" a move there would be.<br />
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I have reasons that I actually do want to live there again, but I also have reasons that I don't. I am not sure what the job market is there so I can't even say if it would even last.Always Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03939740751146584417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1167833110936792416.post-76521110567987621302012-06-26T21:52:00.000-05:002012-06-26T21:52:12.029-05:00 I am always amazed when my wee one learns something that wasn't actually taught. The other day, out of no where, my babe started turning around in circles, has started putting things (sometimes appropriate and sometimes not appropriate) in the trash can (as well as taking stuff out =( ). I hope this absorption of knowledge and skills continues throughout life...especially with such ease, I just wish I could figure out how to encourage the good behaviors, like putting trash in the can, and discourage the things like putting non garbage in and taking garbage out.<br />
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As life is progressing for us I find myself adapting to leaving me babe with a "sitter" from time to time. This is a HUGE step for me as my helpless little babe suffered a weight loss while in the care of others at 10 and 11 weeks old. After that my resolve to be SOLE CARETAKER was renewed and in full force. I love being home and watching all the new skills develop and hearing as new words and phrases come out that adorable, yet slobbery, mouth.<br />
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I love that my baby is all mine and I don't HAVE to share, though, as I have stated in a previous post, I do have moments where I feel it is unfair that I am alone in this. Such is my life and I will embrace it and enjoy it, not piddle it away dwelling on the fact that I am a single parent. As of late I have encounter some more moments when I wish that someone else where here with us....my little explorer is FASCINATED with going in our tiny little kitchen, especially when I am cooking, so I find myself thinking how wonderful it would be if there were another person to keep my babe entertained and out of trouble while I cook. Not quite sure whether I would want that person to be around any other times....to be honest ;)<br />
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Other times I find my self simply wishing for more hands and eyes....I got me a quick lil booger. There are those moments where I have to load my child into the stroller just to take out the trash (we have dumpster service), and times that I spend more time chasing than I do doing the housework (or putting it off until bedtime and having too much to get done and not enough time). Those are some of the moments that make me question my decision to move and think maybe we should have just stayed where we were. Then I remember what our life was like there (the reasons that I chose to move) and realize that we are better off now/here than we were then/there.<br />
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Although, I may always wonder if things may have gotten better at our old place and think we might have been okay if we would have stayed, I know that were we are IS good for us both in many ways. Partially for many of the reasons that I felt drawn to moving and somewhat since we are both getting a taste of "baby sitter life" in small doses. I know this may seem like nothing to some people, especially since it is family that watches my babe, but there are reasons that I wonder if it is the "right" and "best" decision for either of us. I know it is good to have the time apart and prep should there come a time of daycare or regular babysitter but for now a few times a month for an hour or so is about all I can manage and more than I want. In fact, I took my little to the store for groceries this last week rather than to family. My babe is very well behaved and loves being able to ride in the cart and kick.<br />
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I love being able to do things for my child, even those things that seem so small to me (like a ride in the cart). A trip to the store means I can have my babe choose a toy, snack, outfit or jammies. As someone who get a huge rush/high while shopping it is probably a good thing to have the company and sounding board. I remember one shopping trip together that I had my kiddo pick out a character toddler blanket. If it had been up to me I either would have gotten the other choice or both. Maybe I am wrong to allow my (currently almost) 14 and a half month old be the voice of reason when it comes to random unnecessary purchases, but if it works maybe its okay :)Always Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03939740751146584417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1167833110936792416.post-1270843095193570362012-05-14T22:33:00.001-05:002012-05-14T22:33:44.296-05:00 Life has given me many opportunities to see what I am made of and how strong I am. I have found myself depressed but also found my way back up out of it more than once. I have always thought that my life would go differently, that by this point in my life...well, life would be different.<br /><br />
I used to daydream and fantasize about being a wife and mother, living in a nice home, having a job (for most of my childhood I wanted to be a teacher). As I got older and started to realize things about myself, I came to understand my idea of being a teacher was so off. I need more structure than a room full of minors could give me and so being a teacher just isn't for me. I still struggle with what I am going to be "when I grow up" but my view of what I want has changed over the last few years.<br />
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After coming to grips with not being a teacher and working in factories for a few years, I thought I could just do that for the rest of my life. I liked what I did, and the laid back atmosphere was a big plus for me. Alas, my mind had higher goals than my body could reach. I find myself facing the fact that my body will not last as long as my age would have me work. I know I need to do more to get my body in shape and more able to last. I know that I could possibly work in a factory and for a longer period of time IF I would just get myself in better shape.<br />
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Although, I know the whole "being a parent involves sacrifices" I just cannot, in my mind, justify me working a job that takes me away from my child for so long. I am all my babe has, really. I know we have moved closer to family and that they would help me out as much as they could, but I just cannot like the idea of being away for so long and having so little time to spend together. In the past the hours didn't bother me, but now I actually have someone that I would rather be with and that depends on me for more than paying the bills.<br />
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I used to think that being a stay at home mom/wife was what I wanted but never knew or felt it the way I do now. Before it was just the idea of being the 1950's housewife and mother that I wanted, but now I actually don't feel like I can.....I don't know, trust, I guess, that someone, ANYONE else could teach and guild my child (or should it happen, children). I had already come to understand that I don't trust most people to clean the way I would so I guess it just goes hand in hand that I wouldn't trust another to be such a big part of my child's growth, development and life.<br />
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I have honestly leaned so much about myself and the things I want out of life in the past year and a half. Leaning I was pregnant and becoming a mother have created such desire to settle into a life of being just a mother that I do believe I could find great joy and fulfillment by focusing on being the best I can be and not settling for less. I know that sounds like what a mother should do, but I mean it to be completely to sole responder to cries in the day and night, to raise my child to be a gift to society, to have a clean and well cared for home, home cooked meals.<br />
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That is much different from how I grew up and from where I saw myself. I used to want to be the mom that my child was not embarrassed by and that all the friends would want to come hang out at our house. I wanted to be the "cool mom", to work during school hours only, and be home in time to bake a cake, cookies or something for after school. I wanted the glitz and glamer and notoriety of being mom, but now I want the runny noses (even if they are wiped on my clothes) and bad dreams. The early wake ups and messes that require a little more elbow grease to clean. I guess I want to be a REAL MOM and not the one some actor plays on TV.Always Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03939740751146584417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1167833110936792416.post-78601723132476942152012-05-10T11:20:00.004-05:002012-05-10T11:20:47.131-05:00 I love being a mom and I know I am strong enough to continue on as a single mom, but I must admit there have been times when I wished the other half of the DNA were involved.<br />
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I have found myself enjoying many benefits of being a single mom to a child with an uninvolved baby daddy, I don't have to share my child...especially on the holidays. I don't have to check with someone about parenting decisions, it is all up to me and my preference. I saw the baby daddy in action as a parent and did not always agree with the choices he made, but those were not my children so I left it alone. I have always felt that, unless the child were in serious danger or at a risk, it was not my place to share my two cents. Had it been my child, we would have had some serious discussions about what was "right and wrong" about his approach.<br />
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Not having him around has given me many opportunities since I have been doing everything with no one by my side to confer with or turn to. That has been the struggle for me. That the one person that I should be able to turn to, that has just as much at stake with each choice as I do, is not there. While I sat back and watched my preemie in incubators, under bili lights, daily blood sticks, and not being able to hold my child for long or without the wires and tubes leashing us to monitors, he was able to go about his day to day life as if nothing were going on. After finally getting my babe home, there were weight gain issues/regressions and I was left alone to suffer through the fear while he was able to get up and do whatever he wanted/needed without a single thought about was my child.<br />
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Every time that I have had to watch my child in pain, or had to endure the screaming and wailing associated with restrictions so I can accomplish things, I have been.......I don't know, angry, I guess....that he is off doing whatever rather than going through it all with me. I can handle being a single mom easy, its the fact that he doesn't have to go through the really tough stuff that makes me wish he was around. I guess it is possible that he is suffering in some way since he doesn't get to see the babe, but I see that as his choice. Before the move we lived about three blocks away and he never came by, never called emailed or in any other way inquired to me about how the child was. I even tried once, sent him pictures, a birthday card and a letter written from babe's perspective. My efforts were responded to with a nasty hateful email claiming that the items were unwelcome (or atleast I was not welcomed for the effort) and that they would be "...returned or thrown away, which ever I wanted..."<br />
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He pays child support, but in my opinion that doesn't mean he is achieving "father" status. To me a father is someone who is present in your life, supports you, shows you that they care. No amount of money can replace that person in a child's life. I may be a bit biased on this issue since my own "father" was not present in my life, and that was a choice he made for us both, but I guess is boils down to a saying I have heard about how "Daddy" is term that is earned or how "...any male can make a baby, but it takes a real man to step up and be a father..." or they go something like that.<br />
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I know that I have been lucky that my child has been so healthy all these months, and other than the weight regressions, has not needed medical attention other than well baby checks, but I also know that it won't always be like this. My child is not always going to be healthy and never cause me worry again. I know that I will probably always have some anger (or whatever) over the fact that he is not around to go through the rough times with me and that he gets to go about his life completely unaffected by my child's life, but I hope that I can keep that part of me hidden from my child and not let it effect our relationship or any relationship that the future hold for either of us.My child is a great and wonderful little being and I hope to NEVER cause harm to my babe because of my issues.Always Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03939740751146584417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1167833110936792416.post-12266824522553260652012-04-25T14:09:00.001-05:002012-04-25T14:09:51.336-05:00 WOW...didn't realize it had been so long since I had last posted. So much has occurred in the past five weeks that it feels like so much time has passed but also like no time has passed. I found out about an apartment near my family and made arrangements to see it. My family came and got us for the weekend and we looked at the apartment. I signed the lease and paid the deposit that weekend as well. We returned to where we lived mid afternoon on that Sunday to start packing....my family would be returning Friday morning to load up and bring us to our new home. Let me just say....only five days to pack WHILE trying to maintain normal life for the wee one, being a single mom and full time student was way harder than I thought, thankfully my family arrived ready to help finish packing (I foolishly but successfully stayed awake until after 5 that morning) and to load up.<br />
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The next day was my great aunt's 90th birthday party, then Sunday my cousin had her baby's first birthday. The following Sunday was Easter, and the Sunday after that was my babe's first birthday so I spent the weeks between trying to get things planned and ready. The weekend after the birthday party I had a garage sale (not very successful but I tried) so I spent that week trying to figure that all out. All the while school work, house work, unpacking and organizing (which I am still reworking the set ups) plus seeing to my babe and trying to give us a normal routine for the days and nights.<br />
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I feel, sometimes, that I have no time to catch my breath, but other times I feel like I should have more done. I still feel weird in the new place and still second guess my impulsive decision to move but I signed a lease so we will be here for a year at least. I hope to feel more "at home" soon but I just haven't gotten to that point yet. I have felt better being in new surroundings. A feeling of ease and peace that I didn't have before. Although I am not sure that I made to "right" choice, I know I will make the best of it for us both.Always Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03939740751146584417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1167833110936792416.post-13416682090654185422012-03-18T23:32:00.000-05:002012-03-18T23:32:10.468-05:00My domestic skills are changing. Where I once was a cook of a few regular dishes, I find myself learning to cook new things, work with new ingredients or sometimes fresh, I am eager to learn to make more things from scratch rather than buy them ready made (which is a big deal for this former lazy cook). BUT (there is always a but), as my skills and advancements have come there, I have gotten very lax in cleaning my kitchen. I find myself wanting a dish washer, something I would never use before. Granted I have never lived anywhere that has one, but I have had exposure and chances to use them and opted to hand wash instead. I have tried to figure out why washing the dishes (something I don't really like to do, but hey, they HAVE to be washed) is so far at the bottom of the list that I can't even see it. I have justified it over and over again as being less important than other cleaning tasks or than spending time with my child. Then I realized that even when my wee one was sleeping soundly for naps or nighttime, I still didn't stand there most of the time and wash them. I think I may have finally come to an epiphany about this...when I wash the dishes I am not fully focused so, as with many other times in the day, my mind wanders to the thoughts that I push away when I fully focus. I find myself sitting up until way too late at night so I am too tired to not fall asleep quickly otherwise I will flip around in bed trying to digest different things that are going on or have happened as well as the things that I am waiting to happen. I am a planner and a procrastinator......I want to know all the details and have everything worked out, but will wait till the last minute to do anything LOL. So the future is very consuming in my mind, especially when I am restless in the present. To add to that is the fact that I keep thinking about everything that has happened to me in the recent past. Anytime I want to pinpoint how far back the recent past goes, though, I realize that there is something that came before that and it is still something I struggle with as well. So now I sit up until 2 or 3 in the morning trying to play games, search pins on Pinterest, or editing pictures of my little wonder so that I can go to bed ready to sleep rather than to relax myself to sleep. This makes if very hard for me to break this habit/pattern that we are in of not getting up until 8:30 or later most mornings. I love getting up early and having the whole day to get stuff done. When I don't get up till almost 9 (or later) it feels as though half my day is gone and the rest of it goes by so quickly. I hope this move will be a fresh start in more ways than one for us (well, me only...I don't really think my little bundle needs a fresh start at ALMOST a year old.......which is another thing that keeps my brain rolling Baby's First Birthday).Always Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03939740751146584417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1167833110936792416.post-86785296731995982552012-03-07T00:19:00.001-06:002012-03-08T23:23:03.121-06:00a revelation I came to some years ago but I find to be so true, it is one of the main things that drives me to be who I am and how I am. This profound realization is that no matter what my friends or family think I should do, I am the one that has to live with the decision I make. I can be given any advice but I have to choose to follow the advice that is best for me. I often wonder how many people think of this when they give advice to someone....no matter how much of an "expert" you may be (those quotes are there for the situations when they fit, not all situations). No matter the circumstances, no matter the issues, I am the one who is accountable for my actions. When it is all said and done, I have to choose to do what I believe is the best and be FULLY committed to it.<br />
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When choices need to be made, all possible outcomes must be considered as well. Not only must I live with the decision I make, but I must be willing to carry on with whatever fall out my choice includes.<br />
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I used to think things through and weigh the consequences with much more ease than I do now. In the past my choices only effected me but now I have my child to think of and that is making it so much harder. To figure out what is best for the babe, for me and for us both is very taxing. How do I make sure the choices I make are what is best for my child and not just rationalized that way to get what I want? <----this is what I keep wondering. I have been told I over think things but sometimes I don't think one can over think.....I just am not sure if this is one of those times.Always Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03939740751146584417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1167833110936792416.post-84127389128096900452012-02-08T22:50:00.000-06:002012-02-08T22:50:32.323-06:00Sorry I have been off for a bit....been stressed and in bad/depressed moods and couldn't think of anything to write that would not sound as such. Life just seems like its getting better than BAM!! knocks me back and the path I was on is no longer an option. I am trying to pull myself together....struggling to do so but trying none the less.<br />
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Since becoming a mom I see things so differently than I did before. In the past, any decision I made really only effected me, but now I have to weigh the consequences differently because the bigger issue is how they will effect my child. In the past when I wasn't sure about what to do or which choice to make, ultimately it would be easy to change my mind after the fact and make the necessary adjustments. Now, on the other hand, it isn't the same. Now I have to take into consideration what my choice means for and which is best for my child.<br />
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Right now I keep going back and forth on moving. Either way we are moving out of our apartment, but I am torn between staying in a town where I have friends and no family around (but am pretty much equally distant from both sides of my family) or moving to be closer to one side (and therefore, twice as far from the other). I can come up with reasons for and against both and so I struggle to know which is going to be the best decision as far as my child is concerned.<br />
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I know some of my reasons are more selfish but I worry that maybe I shouldn't blow them off so easily as being selfish and wonder if maybe I should give them more weight in my over all choice. One of these reasons is that I really like the doctor we have (third one for my child, who was about three months old at the first visit). I don't really want to go through that process again, plus my child has had some health issues and I am not sure I should switch since everything seems to be going so well now, and has been for a while too.<br />
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I also go back and forth on the issue of support. I know my friends are there for me, but they also have families and responsibilities of their own, whereas I have family with nothing else really going on that would be able to lend a hand in a pinch. I know part of my struggle is the fact that I am a pedestrian currently and part of me feels that if I changed this I would feel better about staying.<br />
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Although, I would have family there to help me (and they would out number my friends), they are also closed minded, openly opinionated and judgmental. I am not sure I want to have my child exposed to their comments and views at such an impressionable time. As good as the support and everything would be, I don't know that having them be such a big part of our lives would be good, nor am I sure that not going so that I have the support is a good idea.<br />
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I keep wondering if I just get back on the road so I can get us around to where we need to go, if we would be ok here. I know that it would help my depression....or atleast I think it would. I feel the depression so strongly when I feel helpless. When I need to go somewhere for my child (the store to get something/s or to the doctor) and cannot find a ride. It is such a frustrating feeling to be incapable of doing what I need to so that I can take care of my babe. I am so thankful that my baby has been so healthy and when things have come up they haven't been so important or have gone away on their own. The idea of NEEDING to get to the doctor and not being able to find a ride is one of my big fears anymore.<br />
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I also worry that if I were to get sick or something and couldn't care for my babe the way I need to, who could I turn to for help. My friends all have kids of their own, families and responsibilities to see to and would not be so freely available to help me be able to provide the care my child needs and deserves. I would not want nor ask ANYONE (family or friend) to take my babe but rather to come for a bit to help me or to be in our home so I could rest and not worry. I know it might be best to have someone take my baby away for a few hours or a night/day (whichever) but I just don't want us separated.<br />
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Well, anyway, the stress of trying to figure out which move to make for us....constantly weighing the pros and cons to see which pros ultimately out weigh the associated cons, and the helpless feeling of being a pedestrian and unable to do things for my child have me kinda down and depressed (that and the gloomy grey sky and chilly temps). Trying to get my homework and house work done, as well as sleep, while my babe is sleeping so I am able to enjoy the waking moments and new skills (not to mention I really cannot turn my back for more than a couple of seconds some times), has me a little overwhelmed and frazzled. All these things plus fact that I am not getting all the house work done and I am not getting enough sleep has me a bit crabby ( and therefore, feeling guilty about being so towards my child).<br />
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So, anyway, I probably won't have much inspired and uplifting to write for a while and so probably will cut myself back to once a week unless or until I have more positive stuff on my mind.Always Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03939740751146584417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1167833110936792416.post-69638356027604648862012-01-30T23:19:00.000-06:002012-01-30T23:19:32.579-06:00 Well, I didn't even make it a week writing everyday........I let my homework pile up until the weekend. I need to stop doing that. But then again, I say that EVERY weekend, and it has yet to sink in. I guess sometimes, even though you know better, you still don't do what you should. <div><br />
</div><div> My mind has been over-run trying to figure some people out this weekend and that is still what is on my mind tonight. So, rather than ramble on about how I cannot understand how people can be the way they are, I am just going to go with my new view on this issue. I can only understand things the way I do them, or am used to them. I cannot see the point of view of someone who thinks differently than I do. I cannot put myself in their shoes and get a look at life from their perspective.</div><div><br />
</div><div> Although I may not agree with their views or choices, I must accept that they are entitled to have their own opinions and to do things the way they do. It is their life and they can live it however they want......in the end they have to answer for their own actions.</div><div><br />
</div><div> Well, I am going to leave tonight's post short to avoid any farther agitation of the waters in my mind. </div>Always Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03939740751146584417noreply@blogger.com0