After a recent event, I was thinking over an exchange between my little and an adult. This event was a small gathering that we were a part of that included a couple of people my mini wanted to see specifically. We arrived after everyone else and my munchkin stated "I only wanted to see [person] and [person], I didn't want to see you." to one person.

Now, I will admit that this blunt statement was a bit rude by some standards, and inappropriate, and that is something I may need to work on. The comment was not received well, to say the least. This was said to a full-grown adult, mind you, and someone that should be somewhat understanding of the ways of preschoolers. 

At the time, I didn't think too much about the exchange or the way the adult chose to be a bit vengeful about it, saying that sharing snacks wasn't going to happen since my kiddo wasn't there to see them. 

After thinking back on this, I saw it from a different perspective and am thinking more about the kind of "damage" this may have done. With my new thoughts, I saw this exchange more as my child TELLING THE TRUTH and this other adult trying to punish and scold for doing so. What kind of message does that send, really? My young, impressionable, growing munchkin making an honest, but uncalled for, expression and being made to feel bad for it. 

No matter what level of guilt I feel in retrospection of how a moment may have been mishandled, I am always grateful for the new understanding of the situation. Going forward, I hope that I can maintain this level of awareness when my mini speaks the truth, no matter whether it is needed to be said or not. I pray, that going forward, I can be fully receptive to what my kiddo says and means, and that I can create a feeling of safety and trust between us, one that is always welcoming, no matter the subject. 

Burning Bridges...

     I had a thought about burned bridges yesterday and this seems like the best place to write it out. I contemplated how some previous friendships/relationships no longer exist and realized there are some that I miss and some that I never want to go back to again.
     Those that seemed to fizzle out due to various circumstances associated with moving or changes in lifestyle. We just don't mesh into each others lives anymore, but the bridge isn't gone, we just don't both live at the ends of it anymore.
     Those that ended because of something that happened that seemed rather big at the time and caused one or both to feel that the connection was no longer needed. Although the bridge is gone, it is only burned and could possibly be repaired or rebuilt.
    On the extreme side of the ending of a friendship or relationship, something HUGE happened that caused one or both to no longer view the connection as a vital and important part of life, but rather as virus that is plaguing life. In these situations, I see the bridge as blown up, not burned.
     With the explosion, not only is the bridge completely destroyed, but the people at either end are forced to evacuate and move elsewhere. These are the connections that are done and over with, forever.
     As I thought about these bridges, I tried to sort out what could lead to bridges being burned or blown up, thinking that burned bridges are usually something we do in our relationships with others, but bridges are probably blown up by us because of the actions or choices of the other.
     I have probably burned a few bridges in my day because of what I have done or said, but I know I have blown up a bridge or two (at least) because I decided that something the other person did lead me to know they were no longer the kind of person I want in my life.

     I did something today that I never wanted to do, that I swore I wouldn't do. I hate that it came to it, I felt sick while I did it and fought the urge to cry (I was walking through a parking lot) afterwards. I might have lost the fight if I hadn't gotten a phone call that distracted me in that moment and changed my mental/emotional state.
     As much as I didn't want to do this, I did it, and I cannot and will not deny it. I did have a thought as I processed my emotions after I returned home. One of the reasons I didn't intend or want to ever do this, is because, as I have said, "It is hardest the first time.".
     I realized, now, that this is true for everything in life. And I think it becomes easier once it has been done because you did it and you survived.
     There are so many things in life that seem so frightening before we do them, but after the fact, we can often look back and wonder why we were so scared. I have gone through many moments of emotional and mental turmoil in my life but I have come out on the other side still kicking. I am a survivor, as the song says.
     There are some things that I never wanted to go through, mostly heart aches, but I am still going strong, damaged but not dead yet. I just wish that my life hadn't come to what it has come to today.
     I have done things since becoming a mother that I claim "revoke or deny" me my "Mother of the Year" nomination/award, but this probably is the worst in my mind. 

Trying to start a new chapter in our lives....being a working single (solo) mama, and my little is starting preschool this year also. I have been a bit apprehensive about the whole school thing but it is cheaper than using day care all day so that was my motivation for that idea.

I started a job this last week at a local factory and now I am facing down a difficulty of living in such a small town/community of towns....people don't want to open their day care up that early in the morning. I understand, I don't really want to get up as early as I do for work, but it is the job that came along and so I took it.

The stress of finding day care is now driving me mad. The stress depresses me, and that just stresses me more....it is a vicious cycle that I cannot seem to get out of. One feeding/causing the other. I moved us out of a town (that I am truly thankful to be out of and away from) that had factory jobs and both in-home and center day cares. The thing I am missing right about now, though, is the in-homes that worked second shift. Where we are now is only in-home day cares in town and they all want to work day shift hours. I cannot blame them for that, I ideal would love to have a regular shift position, but there aren't too many of those around either.

I have a surgery scheduled in just over a week and this job I have now is understanding of that and still offered me the position knowing that....I didn't think I would get anywhere until after I was healed up so that made me feel so much better. But now, with the day care issue, I am just feeling so defeated and crushed. I am at such a loss as to what to do. Part of me thinks I should try for a different job so I don't have the hours issue with day care, but so many of them where full that I don't know if I would actually find one any way. I could try to work just during the hours of preschool but that is barely part time, and probably wouldn't pay the bills.

When I was weighing the consequences of our move up here, this was not one of the situations I considered. I thought of the support we would have with my family around us, and the struggle I would have mentally and emotionally, dealing with our differing views and beliefs, but I never thought that I would find it such a struggle to find a day care provider. I worked for a short time during the summer last year and was able to get a slot in a center in the town I was working right away, but this year I am looking for too early of an hour for drop-off for many people and others are already full.

It is pushing me to want to quit this job, but  without school this fall, I don't have that option really, not unless I find a different job first. Since I made some poor choices in the past (lessons learned), I am not able to drive currently, so that puts a HUGE damper on my job choices/searching, also. I either have to find something within walking distance, OR I have to find something where some one I already know is already working. It isn't easy since I have been a shut-in for the majority of our time here. I haven't tried to meet people or make friends so I only have family to rely on for job sources and only three work, and two of them out of town. My options are seriously limited and I am feeling the stress of that as well.

Last week I was thanking God because it was practically raining job and interview offers, and this week I feel just as desperate as I had felt about finding a job, only now I have been praying for it to rain day care openings. I keep having this idea that maybe I jumped on the wrong job offer, but I am not sure if that is really the case. I had one offer for in town but the hours are going to be pretty similar and the pay is less so I don't know how it would be a "better" choice.

     So, I realized at some point, either during my pregnancy or after my mini was born, that part of my "job" as a parent was to not only raise my little by what I purposely taught, but also model what a mother is. I was setting an example of what is and isn't appropriate for a mother to do.
     I also realized, that if the other half and I had managed to remain together, or any guy that may come along in the future, is, or will be, part of that model. The other half or the guy would be an example of what a father should be. I would need to keep that in mind for any guy that enters our life and choose a guy that would be a proper example, and the two of us would be the model for what a relationship should be.
     As the mother, I would show what behaviors were acceptable of a wife and mother. I was more than raising my little, but setting up my mini's future relationships and life. Any guy that became a part of our daily life would also become a part of that model for the future.
     As I am modeling what a mother should be, and whoever this guy may be would be modeling what a father should be, we would also be modeling what a relationship should be like. Not only by how we act and treat each other, but also what treatment and behaviors we accept of the other. It isn't just how I act, but also what I allow the other to do and how I let that person treat me.
     I realized more recently that it goes beyond the example I set, though, as I have seen many couples over the years and therefore seen examples other than my own parents, I have learned things others do that I do or don't like. My own child/ren will, too, experience many relationships. It will go beyond the example I set, but extend to those of friends, family and the parents of other kiddos.
     The treatment of others is something that will come from many different sources, but the mundane stuff that comes from being in a relationship, a true partnership, are the examples that will mainly come from home. Showing my mini life skills like laundry, grocery shopping and bill paying, are things I am tasked with as a solo mom. If, in the future, there comes a man to step up as a father and husband, then, together,we will model how to discuss problems, how to talk to one another, how to balance housework, and child rearing.
     I guess it goes beyond me learning from my mistakes, but also using that knowledge in a positive way to also teach my kiddo/s, and always remembering that it matters not just what I say, but how I say it and above that, how I act.

I know I am blessed, that my child is a blessing. I know this, but I don't always remember, or realize just HOW blessed I am. That is, until I see or hear about what another child is like. Recently I have given some thought to this because I read about what other kiddos are like on social media or through public interaction and I realize that my little is even more well behaved than I thought.

I don't mean to sound like "my kiddo is better than all the others" or that other kiddos are "monsters" because I know that most of the behaviors I read about or encounter are usually typical behaviors and not anything extreme, it just makes me realize that my child is not falling into the "average" behavior categories and I am very blessed by having a child I can trust. This is very handy as a single (or as I sometime refer to myself as, solo) mama. I can trust my child to remember boundaries and behavior expectations if I am preoccupied with house chores or if I need to take a shower (which I usually do later at night after my mini is sound asleep but not always).

I have recently been told by my family, and even seen this myself, that my kiddo will reply to an offer of something I have not allowed or do not allow with "Mama says no." I really like that I can trust my mini to remember the boundaries I have set and try to enforce them in my absence. I wish I could say I trust my family just as much but they are the ones that will make the offers for things that I don't allow, in my presence as well as my absence.

I am not pleased with their tactics when they offer things I don't permit behind my back, or when they try to manipulate me to allow something by having my munchkin be the one to ask me if it is alright. I am very blessed to have a kiddo that recently responded to an offer of Root Beer (because it was a holiday) with "My Mama says no. Please can I have some milk?"

"Play is the work of childhood". I have seen this phrase many times over the last few years. I like it, and always have. Today, though, I really thought on it. Too often, as an adult, we are aware that other people see us and judge us. As a child, you are not as aware, and feel more free to really be you and enjoy life.

As I was scrub-a-dub-dubbing my mini this morning after a messy breakfast, I enjoyed a little fun too. I pretended I was the firefighter minion from Despicable Me 2 (be-doh be-doh). As I was playing and laughing along, I thought of two different aspects.

One being the freedom I felt that it was just me and the munchkin so no one would pass judgement, and two, that when I am having fun and stressing less, my little has more fun too. I really want to work more at feeling free to play along and enjoy our time together. I want to have more fun and less stress. Hopefully, if I can make this a reality, my babe will have happier times.

As a parent, well thee parent, I have many roles and responsibilities when it comes to my kiddo's life, but I need to make sure that having fun is a major part of it. I need to focus more on enjoying our time together and making each moment worth remembering. As my little is getting older and more likely to retain these moments for life, I want them to be pleasant.

I do get caught up in wanting to make and see my mini smile and laugh, but I also get caught up in my adult stress and reality too much. I let myself get bogged down with chores and homework and let the pressure get to me. I worry about things that won't happen for a while, rather than focusing on what is happening right now. I let the realities of parenthood and adulthood weigh on me and distract me from the real joys of being an adult and parent.