Life has given me many opportunities to see what I am made of and how strong I am. I have found myself depressed but also found my way back up out of it more than once. I have always thought that my life would go differently, that by this point in my life...well, life would be different.

     I used to daydream and fantasize about being a wife and mother, living in a nice home, having a job (for most of my childhood I wanted to be a teacher). As I got older and started to realize things about myself, I came to understand my idea of being a teacher was so off. I need more structure than a room full of minors could give me and so being a teacher just isn't for me. I still struggle with what I am going to be "when I grow up" but my view of what I want has changed over the last few years.

     After coming to grips with not being a teacher and working in factories for a few years, I thought I could just  do that for the rest of my life. I liked what I did, and the laid back atmosphere was a big plus for me. Alas, my mind had higher goals than my body could reach. I find myself facing the fact that my body will not last as long as my age would have me work. I know I need to do more to get my body in shape and more able to last. I know that I could possibly work in a factory and for a longer period of time IF I would just get myself in better shape.

     Although, I know the whole "being a parent involves sacrifices" I just cannot, in my mind, justify me working a job that takes me away from my child for so long. I am all my babe has, really. I know we have moved closer to family and that they would help me out as much as they could, but I just cannot like the idea of being away for so long and having so little time to spend together. In the past the hours didn't bother me, but now I actually have someone that I would rather be with and that depends on me for more than paying the bills.

     I used to think that being a stay at home mom/wife was what I wanted but never knew or felt it the way I do now. Before it was just the idea of being the 1950's housewife and mother that I wanted, but now I actually don't feel like I can.....I don't know, trust, I guess, that someone, ANYONE else could teach and guild my child (or should it happen, children). I had already come to understand that I don't trust most people to clean the way I would so I guess it just goes hand in hand that I wouldn't trust another to be such a big part of my child's growth, development and life.

    I have honestly leaned so much about myself and the things I want out of life in the past year and a half. Leaning I was pregnant and becoming a mother have created such desire to settle into a life of being just a mother that I do believe I could find great joy and fulfillment by focusing on being the best I can be and not settling for less. I know that sounds like what a mother should do, but I mean it to be completely to sole responder to cries in the day and night, to raise my child to be a gift to society, to have a clean and well cared for home, home cooked meals.

     That is much different from how I grew up and from where I saw myself. I used to want to be the mom that my child was not embarrassed by and that all the friends would want to come hang out at our house. I wanted to be the "cool mom", to work during school hours only, and be home in time to bake a cake, cookies or something for after school. I wanted the glitz and glamer and notoriety of being mom, but now I want the runny noses (even if they are wiped on my clothes) and bad dreams. The early wake ups and messes that require a little more elbow grease to clean. I guess I want to be a REAL MOM and not the one some actor plays on TV.

     I love being a mom and I know I am strong enough to continue on as a single mom, but I must admit there have been times when I wished the other half of the DNA were involved.

     I have found myself enjoying many benefits of being a single mom to a child with an uninvolved baby daddy, I don't have to share my child...especially on the holidays. I don't have to check with someone about parenting decisions, it is all up to me and my preference. I saw the baby daddy in action as a parent and did not always agree with the choices he made, but those were not my children so I left it alone. I have always felt that, unless the child were in serious danger or at a risk, it was not my place to share my two cents. Had it been my child, we would have had some serious discussions about what was "right and wrong" about his approach.

     Not having him around has given me many opportunities since I have been doing everything with no one by my side to confer with or turn to. That has been the struggle for me. That the one person that I should be able to turn to, that has just as much at stake with each choice as I do, is not there. While I sat back and watched my preemie in incubators, under bili lights, daily blood sticks, and not being able to hold my child for long or without the wires and tubes leashing us to monitors, he was able to go about his day to day life as if nothing were going on. After finally getting my babe home, there were weight gain issues/regressions and I was left alone to suffer through the fear while he was able to get up and do whatever he wanted/needed without a single thought about was my child.

     Every time that I have had to watch my child in pain, or had to endure the screaming and wailing associated with restrictions so I can accomplish things, I have been.......I don't know, angry, I guess....that he is off doing whatever rather than going through it all with me. I can handle being a single mom easy, its the fact that he doesn't have to go through the really tough stuff that makes me wish he was around. I guess it is possible that he is suffering in some way since he doesn't get to see the babe, but I see that as his choice. Before the move we lived about three blocks away and he never came by, never called emailed or in any other way inquired to me about how the child was. I even tried once, sent him pictures, a birthday card and a letter written from babe's perspective. My efforts were responded to with a nasty hateful email claiming that the items were unwelcome (or atleast I was not welcomed for the effort) and that they would be "...returned or thrown away, which ever I wanted..."

     He pays child support, but in my opinion that doesn't mean he is achieving "father" status. To me a father is someone who is present in your life, supports you, shows you that they care. No amount of money can replace that person in a child's life. I may be a bit biased on this issue since my own "father" was not present in my life, and that was a choice he made for us both, but I guess is boils down to a saying I have heard about how "Daddy" is term that is earned or how "...any male can make a baby, but it takes a real man to step up and be a father..." or they go something like that.

     I know that I have been lucky that my child has been so healthy all these months, and other than the weight regressions, has not needed medical attention other than well baby checks, but I also know that it won't always be like this. My child is not always going to be healthy and never cause me worry again. I know that I will probably always have some anger (or whatever) over the fact that he is not around to go through the rough times with me and that he gets to go about his life completely unaffected by my child's life, but I hope that I can keep that part of me hidden from my child and not let it effect our relationship or any relationship that the future hold for either of us.My child is a great and wonderful little being and I hope to NEVER cause harm to my babe because of my issues.

     WOW...didn't realize it had been so long since I had last posted. So much has occurred in the past five weeks that it feels like so much time has passed but also like no time has passed. I found out about an apartment near my family and made arrangements to see it. My family came and got us for the weekend and we looked at the apartment. I signed the lease and paid the deposit that weekend as well. We returned to where we lived mid afternoon on that Sunday to start packing....my family would be returning Friday morning to load up and bring us to our new home. Let me just say....only five days to pack WHILE trying to maintain normal life for the wee one, being a single mom and full time student was way harder than I thought, thankfully my family arrived ready to help finish packing (I foolishly but successfully stayed awake until after 5 that morning) and to load up.

     The next day was my great aunt's 90th birthday party, then Sunday my cousin had her baby's first birthday. The following Sunday was Easter, and the Sunday after that was my babe's first birthday so I spent the weeks between trying to get things planned and ready. The weekend after the birthday party I had a garage sale (not very successful but I tried) so I spent that week trying to figure that all out. All the while school work, house work, unpacking and organizing (which I am still reworking the set ups) plus seeing to my babe and trying to give us a normal routine for the days and nights.

     I feel, sometimes, that I have no time to catch my breath, but other times I feel like I should have more done. I still feel weird in the new place and still second guess my impulsive decision to move but I signed a lease so we will be here for a year at least. I hope to feel more "at home" soon but I just haven't gotten to that point yet. I have felt better being in new surroundings. A feeling of ease and peace that I didn't have before. Although I am not sure that I made to "right" choice, I know I will make the best of it for us both.

My domestic skills are changing. Where I once was a cook of a few regular dishes, I find myself learning to cook new things, work with new ingredients or sometimes fresh, I am eager to learn to make more things from scratch rather than buy them ready made (which is a big deal for this former lazy cook). BUT (there is always a but), as my skills and advancements have come there, I have gotten very lax in cleaning my kitchen. I find myself wanting a dish washer, something I would never use before. Granted I have never lived anywhere that has one, but I have had exposure and chances to use them and opted to hand wash instead. I have tried to figure out why washing the dishes (something I don't really like to do, but hey, they HAVE to be washed) is so far at the bottom of the list that I can't even see it. I have justified it over and over again as being less important than other cleaning tasks or than spending time with my child. Then I realized that even when my wee one was sleeping soundly for naps or nighttime, I still didn't stand there most of the time and wash them. I think I may have finally come to an epiphany about this...when I wash the dishes I am not fully focused so, as with many other times in the day, my mind wanders to the thoughts that I push away when I fully focus. I find myself sitting up until way too late at night so I am too tired to not fall asleep quickly otherwise I will flip around in bed trying to digest different things that are going on or have happened as well as the things that I am waiting to happen. I am a planner and a procrastinator......I want to know all the details and have everything worked out, but will wait till the last minute to do anything LOL. So the future is very consuming in my mind, especially when I am restless in the present. To add to that is the fact that I keep thinking about everything that has happened to me in the recent past. Anytime I want to pinpoint how far back the recent past goes, though, I realize that there is something that came before that and it is still something I struggle with as well. So now I sit up until 2 or 3 in the morning trying to play games, search pins on Pinterest, or editing pictures of my little wonder so that I can go to bed ready to sleep rather than to relax myself to sleep. This makes if very hard for me to break this habit/pattern that we are in of not getting up until 8:30 or later most mornings. I love getting up early and having the whole day to get stuff done. When I don't get up till almost 9 (or later) it feels as though half my day is gone and the rest of it goes by so quickly. I hope this move will be a fresh start in more ways than one for us (well, me only...I don't really think my little bundle needs a fresh start at ALMOST a year old.......which is another thing that keeps my brain rolling Baby's First Birthday).

a revelation I came to some years ago but I find to be so true, it is one of the main things that drives me to be who I am and how I am. This profound realization is that no matter what my friends or family think I should do, I am the one that has to live with the decision I make. I can be given any advice but I have to choose to follow the advice that is best for me. I often wonder how many people think of this when they give advice to someone....no matter how much of an "expert" you may be (those quotes are there for the situations when they fit, not all situations). No matter the circumstances, no matter the issues, I am the one who is accountable for my actions. When it is all said and done, I have to choose to do what I believe is the best and be FULLY committed to it.

When choices need to be made, all possible outcomes must be considered as well. Not only must I live with the decision I make, but I must be willing to carry on with whatever fall out my choice includes.

I used to think things through and weigh the consequences with much more ease than I do now. In the past my choices only effected me but now I have my child to think of and that is making it so much harder. To figure out what is best for the babe, for me and for us both is very taxing. How do I make sure the choices I make are what is best for my child and not just rationalized that way to get what I want? <----this is what I keep wondering. I have been told I over think things but sometimes I don't think one can over think.....I just am not sure if this is one of those times.

Sorry I have been off for a bit....been stressed and in bad/depressed moods and couldn't think of anything to write that would not sound as such. Life just seems like its getting better than BAM!! knocks me back and the path I was on is no longer an option. I am trying to pull myself together....struggling to do so but trying none the less.

Since becoming a mom I see things so differently than I did before. In the past, any decision I made really only effected me, but now I have to weigh the consequences differently because the bigger issue is how they will effect my child. In the past when I wasn't sure about what to do or which choice to make, ultimately it would be easy to change my mind after the fact and make the necessary adjustments. Now, on the other hand, it isn't the same. Now I have to take into consideration what my choice means for and which is best for my child.

Right now I keep going back and forth on moving. Either way we are moving out of our apartment, but I am torn between staying in a town where I have friends and no family around (but am pretty much equally distant from both sides of my family) or moving to be closer to one side (and therefore, twice as far from the other). I can come up with reasons for and against both and so I struggle to know which is going to be the best decision as far as my child is concerned.

I know some of my reasons are more selfish but I worry that maybe I shouldn't blow them off so easily as being selfish and wonder if maybe I should give them more weight in my over all choice. One of these reasons is that I really like the doctor we have (third one for my child, who was about three months old at the first visit). I don't really want to go through that process again, plus my child has had some health issues and I am not sure I should switch since everything seems to be going so well now, and has been for a while too.

I also go back and forth on the issue of support. I know my friends are there for me, but they also have families and responsibilities of their own, whereas I have family with nothing else really going on that would be able to lend a hand in a pinch. I know part of my struggle is the fact that I am a pedestrian currently and part of me feels that if I changed this I would feel better about staying.

Although, I would have family there to help me (and they would out number my friends), they are also closed minded, openly opinionated and judgmental. I am not sure I want to have my child exposed to their comments and views at such an impressionable time. As good as the support and everything would be, I don't know that having them be such a big part of our lives would be good, nor am I sure that not going so that I have the support is a good idea.

I keep wondering if I just get back on the road so I can get us around to where we need to go, if we would be ok here. I know that it would help my depression....or atleast I think it would. I feel the depression so strongly when I feel helpless. When I need to go somewhere for my child (the store to get something/s or to the doctor) and cannot find a ride. It is such a frustrating feeling to be incapable of doing what I need to so that I can take care of my babe. I am so thankful that my baby has been so healthy and when things have come up they haven't been so important or have gone away on their own. The idea of NEEDING to get to the doctor and not being able to find a ride is one of my big fears anymore.

I also worry that if I were to get sick or something and couldn't care for my babe the way I need to, who could I turn to for help. My friends all have kids of their own, families and responsibilities to see to and would not be so freely available to help me be able to provide the care my child needs and deserves. I would not want nor ask ANYONE (family or friend) to take my babe but rather to come for a bit to help me or to be in our home so I could rest and not worry. I know it might be best to have someone take my baby away for a few hours or a night/day (whichever) but I just don't want us separated.

Well, anyway, the stress of trying to figure out which move to make for us....constantly weighing the pros and cons to see which pros ultimately out weigh the associated cons, and the helpless feeling of being a pedestrian and unable to do things for my child have me kinda down and depressed (that and the gloomy grey sky and chilly temps). Trying to get my homework and house work done, as well as sleep, while my babe is sleeping so I am able to enjoy the waking moments and new skills (not to mention I really cannot turn my back for more than a couple of seconds some times), has me a little overwhelmed and frazzled. All these things plus fact that I am not getting all the house work done and I am not getting enough sleep has me a bit crabby ( and therefore, feeling guilty about being so towards my child).

So, anyway, I probably won't have much inspired and uplifting to write for a while and so probably will cut myself back to once a week unless or until I have more positive stuff on my mind.

     Well, I didn't even make it a week writing everyday........I let my homework pile up until the weekend. I need to stop doing that. But then again, I say that EVERY weekend, and it has yet to sink in. I guess sometimes, even though you know better, you still don't do what you should. 

     My mind has been over-run trying to figure some people out this weekend and that is still what is on my mind tonight. So, rather than ramble on about how I cannot understand how people can be the way they are, I am just going to go with my new view on this issue. I can only understand things the way I do them, or am used to them. I cannot see the point of view of someone who thinks differently than I do. I cannot put myself in their shoes and get a look at life from their perspective.

     Although I may not agree with their views or choices, I must accept that they are entitled to have their own opinions and to do things the way they do. It is their life and they can live it however they want......in the end they have to answer for their own actions.

     Well, I am going to leave tonight's post short to avoid any farther agitation of the waters in my mind.