I have recently found myself contemplating my motives. I named my child after a deceased member of my family, and now am wondering why I chose that person. They weren't really a big influence on me or a major part of my life, but yet I chose to name my first born after them. I feel like maybe I tried too hard to please someone, even though they are dead. I feel like I am still trying to have that connection that I wanted but didn't have. I was jealous of the relationship other family members had with this person (one in particular, but you'll have that LOL) and always wanted to feel as though I was special to them too. That I was worth the time and effort.

I have, over the last nine and a half years, gotten a better look at my own mother from a different perspective. I see where there were things I want to emulate with my own child, but I am even more firm to not become her. I find myself, now, wondering if her behaviors are part of why I didn't have the relationship I so desired. Was I shunned by this family member BECAUSE of my mom? I know that we moved away when I was young, so having that close everyday relationship wouldn't have happened, but would it have if we hadn't moved.

If she is the cause of the lacking relationship, would it have been different if we hadn't moved?

I know that this recent train of thought is mostly associated with our moving since we are back where I started. Yes, back in the town I lived when I was a baby, back where my mom's family is from and much of it is living. I have a the whole love/hate thing going still about the move and keep thinking that I just want to pack up and move away, but then realize that I would be no happier...at least not yet. I have a few more things to get sorted out in my own life, then I could move away with less worry. EXCEPT that I wouldn't know where to go. I don't want to go back to where we were....well, I do for the doctors, I loved my babe's doctor and my OB/GYN. I don't know if I could move some place were I don't already know some people that I can trust so that only leaves where I grew up, and, well, I don't know how "profitable" a move there would be.

I have reasons that I actually do want to live there again, but I also have reasons that I don't. I am not sure what the job market is there so I can't even say if it would even last.