I like to consider myself truthful, honest and genuine, but I just had a thought that maybe I am not so much. I don't lie, well, not really. I do hold back sometimes, or "sugar coat" things or word them so that they don't seem so bad.

     I don't really think I am the only one who will claim to be fine when I am not, but I think we all do it for the same reasons. Sometimes, because we don't really want to talk about whatever it is, or because we just don't want to talk about it with that person. Maybe we just don't want to burden them with our problem/s for whatever reason.

     In reality, I think we all know, on some level, that sometimes that question is not genuine. The person asking is only being polite. Don't get me wrong, I know that there are those that are really asking because they care, but we all know who they are in our own lives and we know how to answer them.

     We all know who we can turn to when we need to talk about something, need to vent or just a sounding board. We know the ones we can trust our secrets with, just as much as we know those that are only looking for gossip or are just following etiquette.

     I used to answer that I was "tired" just because I felt like the person asking was just being nice and expected to hear "fine". So now, looking back, I wonder who is more genuine in these moments. Are those that ask out of some obligation to be "polite" or is it those that oblige and respond with "fine" or "good" out of the same respect.

     What would the world really be like if we only greeted people with real honesty and responded in like fashion? Does this social dance make the world really that much better? Is this a dying practice?

     I have seen various quotes pertaining to being "nice" to others because it can change their day, and read stories of simple acts of kindness that seemingly changed the course of someone's life. Not trying to discredit them or anything; mainly because I truly want to believe that such goodness still exists in our world today, but I wonder if false kindness does more harm than good.

     Is it possible that these little "lies" of interest or concern are capable of causing more hurt in the long run. It is very easy to misread someone, especially when we get so caught up in impersonal communications like texts and social media. It is easy to forget the power our words have, especially those that aren't spoken.

     Written words have power, and can be misconstrued. Written words are like art, they can have different meanings to different people. Songs, pictures, poems, paintings, all works of art that can speak to us all in various ways, even to one of us depending on our mood.

     The spoken word, though, holds much more power. Words spoken with a kind voice are taken one way, while the same words spoken in an angry voice convey a very different message. Our voice tone, our body language, our stance and gestures, the volume of our voice and the inflections we use, all combine to create the actual message of our spoken words.

   

   

     We recently had a visit from the other half. Fourth one since we officially gave up trying to make it work and first one since summer. It was awkward and I stressed about it up until it was over, which it was a really short visit so I felt like I had really over-stressed and over-prepared.

     I understand he has a life to live and other children. I understand he has a job and other responsibilities, I even understand that I am the one that moved us roughly two hours away. What I just cannot understand is the total and complete lack of concern or "attention".

     I have been thinking about this, much of my little's short life, as well as times during my pregnancy (since we were split up more than we were together) as well as throughout my life. I had an absentee father as well. I went on the emotional roller coaster of abandonment, unwanted, unloved and many other feelings and issues. I never wanted this type of struggle for my own child so I find myself in unwanted waters.

     My issues with my own father and his lack of involvement and contact during my life has left me with certain voids and apprehensions as an adult, among other issues. I have struggled with them more and more as I have gotten older. I know that I may never fully work through all the issues and I worry about the impact upon my own child who's father has shown no real interest or involvement.

     I struggle with certain aspects of our past in our current situation. I have chosen to leave my old life behind, and with it many of the connections I had have been severed. I have chosen to cut people out of our lives because they were not having good effects on me or us. With this choice, nearly two years ago, to move away, I also chose to move on...FRESH. Since the other half had not bothered to be a part of anything for nine months, I took that as an indication that he was not interested or intending to be involved at all.

     About nine or ten months after we moved, he emailed me and it sounded like just business, but then he continued to email, claiming he was not getting responses from me. I finally created a new email address and started communicating that way. He ended up making the trip and having a short visit about a year ago now, and a couple more during the summer.

     As I mentioned, he has other children. Children I had interacted with and gotten to know and come to care about. It is tough, but I choose not to really ask about them now. Not that I don't care, but because I don't feel like it is my business anymore. I left that part of my life behind and I am not wanting to overstep boundaries or cross lines. This truly is new territory for me and I am making the choice I feel is best.

     I often wonder if it is possible to ever really stop caring. How long will it take before I am no longer questioning if I am really caring or if I am trying to be nosy. I may come across as uncaring, but I give back as much as I feel I get. I rarely hear from the other half, and when I do, it is usually a simple "How are you guys" text. The messages come at irregular intervals, usually one to two weeks apart, but it has been longer, even over a month at least once.

     I question how much is actual interest, and how much is obligatory. I wonder how it can be, that a parent can show such little regard for their own child. I know my parental experience and connection is different, but he has chosen to be disconnected. He has never asked for much more than random visits. He has mentioned taking my child for a night or two "to give me a break" to which I replied "I am not looking for a break".

     I cannot speak for the future, but I know, for now, I am content to have my child with me, and not two hours away...especially if things do not go smoothly. I have no intentions of denying visits, but I worry about their sporadic occurrences and the impression they will have in the long run, especially as the years go by and my babe gets older and more aware.

     Currently, my mini only knows him as "The Guy". I haven't placed any parental/paternal title on him, because one, I don't think he has really earned any, and two, because I don't want my child to think that this kind of presence is acceptable for a father. I have considered using his actual name, but I feel that is inappropriate. In time, if his involvement doesn't pick up, then I may go that route, but if it does and/or I ever feel it is the right time to use a paternal title for whatever reason, then there hopefully won't be any (or at least as much) confusion.

     I realized something about myself today. I accept my failings as failure. I hadn't ever thought about it, but for some reason this crossed my mind today. I thought back about things I have started or set out to do and then never saw them all the way through or didn't continue them.

     In the past, I have tried to start new habits or give up bad ones, and done well....for a time. I once decided to give up caffeinated drinks, and I managed just fine for around two months, until I, with out thinking, had a sip out of a friends drink at a restaurant. Didn't think about it until later, but when I did , I saw that momentary slip as a sign to forgo the whole "giving it up".

     I really had no reason to actual give them up, I just did, and continued on with the choice until that one day that I had a sip of a drink to see how strong it was. Thinking back farther in my life, I can remember another time when I saw fit to end my avoidance based on an unintentional slip. I was 21 and had never had a drink, and really had no intentions of having one, but, while dining with my then boyfriend at a local sports bar/restaurant, we had a server who was in training and somewhere along the line my drink order was messed up. I had ordered a slushy drink from the non-alcoholic menu, not knowing there was an alcoholic version on the menu as well, just in a different color.

     I chose not to complain about my drink being the wrong color, thinking that was the only problem with it. Later I felt sick and light-headed, I thought I was sick from the food, my boyfriend had tasted my drink but didn't say anything at dinner, informed me that it might have been from the alcohol. After that, I felt that since I had already had a drink, might as well drink more, so began the first bout of my drinking days.

     There have also been countless times that I have tried to start good habits around my house, as well as in my general life. All have been abandoned for different reasons that I cannot recall, but I am sure that some were just giving in to the feeling of defeat.

     As I was thinking on this issue today, I connected it with New Years Resolutions. I am not a big fan of the tradition, but understand the meaning of it. I, as with many other holidays, don't like the calendar telling me when I can or cannot do things. As a child I liked to play dress-up, I didn't limit myself to only doing this on Halloween and just yesterday I used three packets of  Kool Aid to dye eggs with my munchkin. Easter is almost two months away still but I don't see why I cannot color eggs now.

     I use this same line of thought when it comes to resolutions. Start them whenever, the only draws to January first, that I can see, is that it is the start of a new year, and so a "new you" too, and that it is easy to track your progress if you have a notable start date.

      I really like this new trend of decorating with phrases, I have different forms of them all over our home. I have one in our kitchen/dinning area, one for in my babe's room and five in our living room. I am not done, by any means...we just need a bigger home. I would love for us to have a house that is all ours so I could feel more comfortable putting up the vinyl letters rather than having them still between the papers that are masking taped to the wall.
     So I went on a nice shopping day last weekend and I bought one of those black wall hangings with the white lettering. It is not the first one I have bought for myself but this one was more as a reminder to have around the house. It reads "BEHIND EVERY GOOD KID IS A GREAT MOM".
     To me, it sounds a bit wrong, almost like bragging, but for me it is just something to help me remember that I have a wonderful kiddo and so I must be doing more things "right" than "wrong". I would like it better if it read "BEHIND EVERY GREAT KID IS A GOOD MOM" but it serves its purpose for now.
    I joke about loosing my "mother of the year" title or chances many times throughout the year but I do actually have moments where I fear that I am lacking in my mothering skills, making mistakes or potentially messing my kid up, it is nice to have something that could catch my eye and remind me that I must be doing a pretty good job after all.
     I have a fantastic little and since I have been doing this whole parenting thing solo, it is a credit to me. I have taken charge of teaching, training and molding my mini to be this great and wonderful person. I have earned each moment of pride and each embarrassing instant as well.
     I am not trying to brag about my my munchkin being amazing and spectacular, because I know we all have awesome littles that we are proud of, and part of being a parent is the worry and fear, but a reminder that we are doing a grand job is nice...and probably needed some days.

OK, it has really been a while since I posted. I knew it had been a bit, but didn't realize I was nearing a year...this year has really flown by. It has been mostly me stressing (which is normal), a lot of "blah" and mundane everyday stuff (which, too, is normal) and a little bit of new stuff that I just haven't really felt the need or desire to share.
Well, I guess the first "OBVIOUS" place to go is that I am really bad at writing to people, even an audience but I have actually pulled way back on posting on media sites as well. Some of that is me being guarded and trying to keep some sort of anonymity, especially for my wee one, but also I am just not that exciting. I really am quite boring. Each day is pretty much the same cycle of us just living. playing and learning. My little is learning new stuff all the time, but mainly my learning seems to be learning what new thing my babe has discovered. New words, new interests and new abilities.
It somewhat saddens me that I have failed to keep up with this blog like I had originally planned, but I am a very quiet and secretive person so I guess I should expect that even blogging as an "unknown" still makes me feel vulnerable. I have intense social anxiety, and I am not really sure where it originates from, but in High School and for some time afterwords, I remember feeling [....] with so much certainty. I seemed to move past it and gain some social confidence but it has gone now and I am back to [....]
I know it is all in my head, I mean, in my head I know it is just my head over thinking situations, but in my heart, I just cannot handle it. To be honest, I think the state of the world has something to do with it as well. The news is scary and sad so much of the time, and I was just thinking earlier that I think this world needs a news station that only airs (and prints as it would be) the "happy" and "feel-good" human interest stories. There are so many local and national news stations that are always on top of all news stories, good or bad, and if that is the kind of news you want, it would still be there. But sometimes I think everyone would like a break from the sad and scary reality of our world and to sit down and focus on inspiring news stories. To devote a whole news show, or channel even, to stuff that would shine a light on helpful people and various acts of kindness, of people "paying it forward" and the stuff the "restores faith in humanity". The uplifting stuff that gets cast in the shadow of shootings, rapes, kidnappings, violence and drugs. These news stories are in the news papers and magazines, in our email our Facebook and Twitter feeds, conversations with friends and/or co-workers. We are constantly bombarded with the negative that it is hard to remember the bright spots, let alone shine them for all to see.

So, I live my life with no regrets. To most people that probably sounds like I am an adrenaline junkie, and always take risks, but that is not the case with me. For me, living with no regrets means that I don't regret anything in my past, nor my present (which will be my past in the future).
It may not make sense to you (or it might) but it does make sense to me. I think, re-think and probably over-think, most of my choices and decisions. I really try to think of all possible outcomes and make sure that I can live with them before I go that route. I don't commit to any choice unless I am as mentally prepared for the fall-out as I can be. 
 I don't regret anything because I wouldn't change any of it. As I think back over my life, there are times and events that I am not so proud of, but I would not change them for anything. I have given this much thought, and I know that, although I am not overly please with or happy about my life right now, I know it could be worse.
I always thought I would be married and have kids (note the 's', I do mean more than one.) by now. I wanted to be a wife and mother early in my twenties, rather than being a 30 year old single mother to one child. Even though I had different plans for my life than my reality, I wouldn't change anything in my past.
Even if it would mean me having the life I used to dream of, I wouldn't do it. I would not give up my child or our life together for it. I wouldn't want to have all of that without my babe, so I wouldn't risk it.
For as long as I can remember (while being able to think this way, that is) I have even taken the time to calm down (usually, anyway) before I speak. I like to make sure I am thinking clearly and that I say and act in an honest way. I cannot say it such a philosophical way of life, that I am always thinking "you cannot take that back", but more that I know anger is more than just an emotion. Anger is also an impulse and things that are said or done in anger are not always true. I have heard that, in anger, people are more honest because they are not filtered, but I don't fully support that view.
In my experience, I am defensive when I am angry, so I go on the attack. I will say or do things that I am sure will hurt the person I am angry at. It might just be me outgrowing childlike behaviors or becoming more aware of other's feelings.
I have not experienced this yet, but I have heard about it. Children will claim to hate their parents when they are mad, and we all know that isn't true, so perhaps it is just that I am more mature. Either way, I know I am going to have to live with and answer for all of my decisions, so for that I am trying to be sure I can hold my head high later in life when the questions come.

I had a revelation the other day, and from that I am working on become a more positive person. Too often I find myself focusing on the bad of each situation. In the moment, especially. So now, I am working on finding the good and making that my focus. The biggest struggle is going to be within my immediate response, and so that is where I need to work the most. I figure if I focus on finding the good right away, the rest will take care of itself.
As examples, I offer up, first, the event that started it all. My wee one poo'ed in the bath a while back and my first thoughts were how horrible this was. I had just cleaned the tub, well the whole bathroom, actually, earlier that day. Now, after putting my babe to bed for the night, I was going to have to tackle that smell, pick the poo's out of the tub and flush them and clean the tub all over again. For an hour that night, that was all I could think about. Then, once it was all taken care of, I was chatting with a friend and I realized the bonuses in the situation. Better in the bath than the bath towel or the fresh clean diaper. Better before going to bed than in the middle of the night.
More recently, I slipped on some ice and landed on my hands and one knee...my bad knee but that is a different issue. I had just left an appointment and was on my way to the car. In the amount of time it took me to walk across the street after my slip, I was already thinking how glad I was that my cell had been in my purse rather than still in my hand. It may seem monetary and trivial compared to other things I could have been grateful for. But not having to replace a three month old phone was it at that moment.
I find that my ability to focus on my gratitude so soon after my fall the other day shows great progress. Each and every day I am leaning from my child and growing into a better person. The kind of person I want my child to be.