08 February, 2012

Sorry I have been off for a bit....been stressed and in bad/depressed moods and couldn't think of anything to write that would not sound as such. Life just seems like its getting better than BAM!! knocks me back and the path I was on is no longer an option. I am trying to pull myself together....struggling to do so but trying none the less.

Since becoming a mom I see things so differently than I did before. In the past, any decision I made really only effected me, but now I have to weigh the consequences differently because the bigger issue is how they will effect my child. In the past when I wasn't sure about what to do or which choice to make, ultimately it would be easy to change my mind after the fact and make the necessary adjustments. Now, on the other hand, it isn't the same. Now I have to take into consideration what my choice means for and which is best for my child.

Right now I keep going back and forth on moving. Either way we are moving out of our apartment, but I am torn between staying in a town where I have friends and no family around (but am pretty much equally distant from both sides of my family) or moving to be closer to one side (and therefore, twice as far from the other). I can come up with reasons for and against both and so I struggle to know which is going to be the best decision as far as my child is concerned.

I know some of my reasons are more selfish but I worry that maybe I shouldn't blow them off so easily as being selfish and wonder if maybe I should give them more weight in my over all choice. One of these reasons is that I really like the doctor we have (third one for my child, who was about three months old at the first visit). I don't really want to go through that process again, plus my child has had some health issues and I am not sure I should switch since everything seems to be going so well now, and has been for a while too.

I also go back and forth on the issue of support. I know my friends are there for me, but they also have families and responsibilities of their own, whereas I have family with nothing else really going on that would be able to lend a hand in a pinch. I know part of my struggle is the fact that I am a pedestrian currently and part of me feels that if I changed this I would feel better about staying.

Although, I would have family there to help me (and they would out number my friends), they are also closed minded, openly opinionated and judgmental. I am not sure I want to have my child exposed to their comments and views at such an impressionable time. As good as the support and everything would be, I don't know that having them be such a big part of our lives would be good, nor am I sure that not going so that I have the support is a good idea.

I keep wondering if I just get back on the road so I can get us around to where we need to go, if we would be ok here. I know that it would help my depression....or atleast I think it would. I feel the depression so strongly when I feel helpless. When I need to go somewhere for my child (the store to get something/s or to the doctor) and cannot find a ride. It is such a frustrating feeling to be incapable of doing what I need to so that I can take care of my babe. I am so thankful that my baby has been so healthy and when things have come up they haven't been so important or have gone away on their own. The idea of NEEDING to get to the doctor and not being able to find a ride is one of my big fears anymore.

I also worry that if I were to get sick or something and couldn't care for my babe the way I need to, who could I turn to for help. My friends all have kids of their own, families and responsibilities to see to and would not be so freely available to help me be able to provide the care my child needs and deserves. I would not want nor ask ANYONE (family or friend) to take my babe but rather to come for a bit to help me or to be in our home so I could rest and not worry. I know it might be best to have someone take my baby away for a few hours or a night/day (whichever) but I just don't want us separated.

Well, anyway, the stress of trying to figure out which move to make for us....constantly weighing the pros and cons to see which pros ultimately out weigh the associated cons, and the helpless feeling of being a pedestrian and unable to do things for my child have me kinda down and depressed (that and the gloomy grey sky and chilly temps). Trying to get my homework and house work done, as well as sleep, while my babe is sleeping so I am able to enjoy the waking moments and new skills (not to mention I really cannot turn my back for more than a couple of seconds some times), has me a little overwhelmed and frazzled. All these things plus fact that I am not getting all the house work done and I am not getting enough sleep has me a bit crabby ( and therefore, feeling guilty about being so towards my child).

So, anyway, I probably won't have much inspired and uplifting to write for a while and so probably will cut myself back to once a week unless or until I have more positive stuff on my mind.