18 March, 2012

My domestic skills are changing. Where I once was a cook of a few regular dishes, I find myself learning to cook new things, work with new ingredients or sometimes fresh, I am eager to learn to make more things from scratch rather than buy them ready made (which is a big deal for this former lazy cook). BUT (there is always a but), as my skills and advancements have come there, I have gotten very lax in cleaning my kitchen. I find myself wanting a dish washer, something I would never use before. Granted I have never lived anywhere that has one, but I have had exposure and chances to use them and opted to hand wash instead. I have tried to figure out why washing the dishes (something I don't really like to do, but hey, they HAVE to be washed) is so far at the bottom of the list that I can't even see it. I have justified it over and over again as being less important than other cleaning tasks or than spending time with my child. Then I realized that even when my wee one was sleeping soundly for naps or nighttime, I still didn't stand there most of the time and wash them. I think I may have finally come to an epiphany about this...when I wash the dishes I am not fully focused so, as with many other times in the day, my mind wanders to the thoughts that I push away when I fully focus. I find myself sitting up until way too late at night so I am too tired to not fall asleep quickly otherwise I will flip around in bed trying to digest different things that are going on or have happened as well as the things that I am waiting to happen. I am a planner and a procrastinator......I want to know all the details and have everything worked out, but will wait till the last minute to do anything LOL. So the future is very consuming in my mind, especially when I am restless in the present. To add to that is the fact that I keep thinking about everything that has happened to me in the recent past. Anytime I want to pinpoint how far back the recent past goes, though, I realize that there is something that came before that and it is still something I struggle with as well. So now I sit up until 2 or 3 in the morning trying to play games, search pins on Pinterest, or editing pictures of my little wonder so that I can go to bed ready to sleep rather than to relax myself to sleep. This makes if very hard for me to break this habit/pattern that we are in of not getting up until 8:30 or later most mornings. I love getting up early and having the whole day to get stuff done. When I don't get up till almost 9 (or later) it feels as though half my day is gone and the rest of it goes by so quickly. I hope this move will be a fresh start in more ways than one for us (well, me only...I don't really think my little bundle needs a fresh start at ALMOST a year old.......which is another thing that keeps my brain rolling Baby's First Birthday).

07 March, 2012

a revelation I came to some years ago but I find to be so true, it is one of the main things that drives me to be who I am and how I am. This profound realization is that no matter what my friends or family think I should do, I am the one that has to live with the decision I make. I can be given any advice but I have to choose to follow the advice that is best for me. I often wonder how many people think of this when they give advice to someone....no matter how much of an "expert" you may be (those quotes are there for the situations when they fit, not all situations). No matter the circumstances, no matter the issues, I am the one who is accountable for my actions. When it is all said and done, I have to choose to do what I believe is the best and be FULLY committed to it.

When choices need to be made, all possible outcomes must be considered as well. Not only must I live with the decision I make, but I must be willing to carry on with whatever fall out my choice includes.

I used to think things through and weigh the consequences with much more ease than I do now. In the past my choices only effected me but now I have my child to think of and that is making it so much harder. To figure out what is best for the babe, for me and for us both is very taxing. How do I make sure the choices I make are what is best for my child and not just rationalized that way to get what I want? <----this is what I keep wondering. I have been told I over think things but sometimes I don't think one can over think.....I just am not sure if this is one of those times.