14 May, 2012

     Life has given me many opportunities to see what I am made of and how strong I am. I have found myself depressed but also found my way back up out of it more than once. I have always thought that my life would go differently, that by this point in my life...well, life would be different.

     I used to daydream and fantasize about being a wife and mother, living in a nice home, having a job (for most of my childhood I wanted to be a teacher). As I got older and started to realize things about myself, I came to understand my idea of being a teacher was so off. I need more structure than a room full of minors could give me and so being a teacher just isn't for me. I still struggle with what I am going to be "when I grow up" but my view of what I want has changed over the last few years.

     After coming to grips with not being a teacher and working in factories for a few years, I thought I could just  do that for the rest of my life. I liked what I did, and the laid back atmosphere was a big plus for me. Alas, my mind had higher goals than my body could reach. I find myself facing the fact that my body will not last as long as my age would have me work. I know I need to do more to get my body in shape and more able to last. I know that I could possibly work in a factory and for a longer period of time IF I would just get myself in better shape.

     Although, I know the whole "being a parent involves sacrifices" I just cannot, in my mind, justify me working a job that takes me away from my child for so long. I am all my babe has, really. I know we have moved closer to family and that they would help me out as much as they could, but I just cannot like the idea of being away for so long and having so little time to spend together. In the past the hours didn't bother me, but now I actually have someone that I would rather be with and that depends on me for more than paying the bills.

     I used to think that being a stay at home mom/wife was what I wanted but never knew or felt it the way I do now. Before it was just the idea of being the 1950's housewife and mother that I wanted, but now I actually don't feel like I can.....I don't know, trust, I guess, that someone, ANYONE else could teach and guild my child (or should it happen, children). I had already come to understand that I don't trust most people to clean the way I would so I guess it just goes hand in hand that I wouldn't trust another to be such a big part of my child's growth, development and life.

    I have honestly leaned so much about myself and the things I want out of life in the past year and a half. Leaning I was pregnant and becoming a mother have created such desire to settle into a life of being just a mother that I do believe I could find great joy and fulfillment by focusing on being the best I can be and not settling for less. I know that sounds like what a mother should do, but I mean it to be completely to sole responder to cries in the day and night, to raise my child to be a gift to society, to have a clean and well cared for home, home cooked meals.

     That is much different from how I grew up and from where I saw myself. I used to want to be the mom that my child was not embarrassed by and that all the friends would want to come hang out at our house. I wanted to be the "cool mom", to work during school hours only, and be home in time to bake a cake, cookies or something for after school. I wanted the glitz and glamer and notoriety of being mom, but now I want the runny noses (even if they are wiped on my clothes) and bad dreams. The early wake ups and messes that require a little more elbow grease to clean. I guess I want to be a REAL MOM and not the one some actor plays on TV.

10 May, 2012

     I love being a mom and I know I am strong enough to continue on as a single mom, but I must admit there have been times when I wished the other half of the DNA were involved.

     I have found myself enjoying many benefits of being a single mom to a child with an uninvolved baby daddy, I don't have to share my child...especially on the holidays. I don't have to check with someone about parenting decisions, it is all up to me and my preference. I saw the baby daddy in action as a parent and did not always agree with the choices he made, but those were not my children so I left it alone. I have always felt that, unless the child were in serious danger or at a risk, it was not my place to share my two cents. Had it been my child, we would have had some serious discussions about what was "right and wrong" about his approach.

     Not having him around has given me many opportunities since I have been doing everything with no one by my side to confer with or turn to. That has been the struggle for me. That the one person that I should be able to turn to, that has just as much at stake with each choice as I do, is not there. While I sat back and watched my preemie in incubators, under bili lights, daily blood sticks, and not being able to hold my child for long or without the wires and tubes leashing us to monitors, he was able to go about his day to day life as if nothing were going on. After finally getting my babe home, there were weight gain issues/regressions and I was left alone to suffer through the fear while he was able to get up and do whatever he wanted/needed without a single thought about was my child.

     Every time that I have had to watch my child in pain, or had to endure the screaming and wailing associated with restrictions so I can accomplish things, I have been.......I don't know, angry, I guess....that he is off doing whatever rather than going through it all with me. I can handle being a single mom easy, its the fact that he doesn't have to go through the really tough stuff that makes me wish he was around. I guess it is possible that he is suffering in some way since he doesn't get to see the babe, but I see that as his choice. Before the move we lived about three blocks away and he never came by, never called emailed or in any other way inquired to me about how the child was. I even tried once, sent him pictures, a birthday card and a letter written from babe's perspective. My efforts were responded to with a nasty hateful email claiming that the items were unwelcome (or atleast I was not welcomed for the effort) and that they would be "...returned or thrown away, which ever I wanted..."

     He pays child support, but in my opinion that doesn't mean he is achieving "father" status. To me a father is someone who is present in your life, supports you, shows you that they care. No amount of money can replace that person in a child's life. I may be a bit biased on this issue since my own "father" was not present in my life, and that was a choice he made for us both, but I guess is boils down to a saying I have heard about how "Daddy" is term that is earned or how "...any male can make a baby, but it takes a real man to step up and be a father..." or they go something like that.

     I know that I have been lucky that my child has been so healthy all these months, and other than the weight regressions, has not needed medical attention other than well baby checks, but I also know that it won't always be like this. My child is not always going to be healthy and never cause me worry again. I know that I will probably always have some anger (or whatever) over the fact that he is not around to go through the rough times with me and that he gets to go about his life completely unaffected by my child's life, but I hope that I can keep that part of me hidden from my child and not let it effect our relationship or any relationship that the future hold for either of us.My child is a great and wonderful little being and I hope to NEVER cause harm to my babe because of my issues.