21 September, 2012

     I have been focusing on taking the good with the bad...or the bad with the good, I think it matters how its said. Recently my little treasure poo'd in the tub, and at the time I thought that was bad. Uggh, I had to clean the tub AGAIN, and getting wet poo out and into the toilet isn't fun. After a while I was looking at the whole situation from a different perspective. Rather than dwelling on the extra work of cleaning out the tub, I realized that my babe saved a diaper and me a diaper change, or better, didn't poo in the towel right after the bath.
     There are some things about our new home that I don't like and that make me miss our old apartment. There are also many things about this apartment that I like better. In the end I think I would take this apartment with its drawbacks over the old apartment with its luxuries.
     The good with the bad is my new focus, and yes in that order. I think taking the good with the bad sounds more positive and I need a more positive out look. It is the beginning of fall, and that is my favorite time of year. I like winter too, and love the holidays, but fall is my favorite season. I love the smell and sound of the leaves, the cool air, apple cider and bonfires. But, with all these good things about fall, I am also stuck dealing with flies in my apartment driving me nuts. Like seriously, right now one keeps buzzing around me. I thought the little buggers only lived for a day...if that is true, I would be very interested to learn how they keep getting in.
     Anyway, School is back in session and I am getting back into that routine, the temperatures are getting lower and the breezes are getting chilly. I am spending time with my babe and loving every second of it. There are still things that I wish were different about our lives but the changes will come. For now I am going to focus on finding the good in all situations and enjoy them.

02 September, 2012

I have recently found myself contemplating my motives. I named my child after a deceased member of my family, and now am wondering why I chose that person. They weren't really a big influence on me or a major part of my life, but yet I chose to name my first born after them. I feel like maybe I tried too hard to please someone, even though they are dead. I feel like I am still trying to have that connection that I wanted but didn't have. I was jealous of the relationship other family members had with this person (one in particular, but you'll have that LOL) and always wanted to feel as though I was special to them too. That I was worth the time and effort.

I have, over the last nine and a half years, gotten a better look at my own mother from a different perspective. I see where there were things I want to emulate with my own child, but I am even more firm to not become her. I find myself, now, wondering if her behaviors are part of why I didn't have the relationship I so desired. Was I shunned by this family member BECAUSE of my mom? I know that we moved away when I was young, so having that close everyday relationship wouldn't have happened, but would it have if we hadn't moved.

If she is the cause of the lacking relationship, would it have been different if we hadn't moved?

I know that this recent train of thought is mostly associated with our moving since we are back where I started. Yes, back in the town I lived when I was a baby, back where my mom's family is from and much of it is living. I have a the whole love/hate thing going still about the move and keep thinking that I just want to pack up and move away, but then realize that I would be no happier...at least not yet. I have a few more things to get sorted out in my own life, then I could move away with less worry. EXCEPT that I wouldn't know where to go. I don't want to go back to where we were....well, I do for the doctors, I loved my babe's doctor and my OB/GYN. I don't know if I could move some place were I don't already know some people that I can trust so that only leaves where I grew up, and, well, I don't know how "profitable" a move there would be.

I have reasons that I actually do want to live there again, but I also have reasons that I don't. I am not sure what the job market is there so I can't even say if it would even last.

26 June, 2012

     I am always amazed when my wee one learns something that wasn't actually taught. The other day, out of no where, my babe started turning around in circles, has started putting things (sometimes appropriate and sometimes not appropriate) in the trash can (as well as taking stuff out =( ). I hope this absorption of knowledge and skills continues throughout life...especially with such ease, I just wish I could figure out how to encourage the good behaviors, like putting trash in the can, and discourage the things like putting non garbage in and taking garbage out.

     As life is progressing for us I find myself adapting to leaving me babe with a "sitter" from time to time. This is a HUGE step for me as my helpless little babe suffered a weight loss while in the care of others at 10 and 11 weeks old. After that my resolve to be SOLE CARETAKER was renewed and in full force. I love being home and watching all the new skills develop and hearing as new words and phrases come out that adorable, yet slobbery, mouth.

     I love that my baby is all mine and I don't HAVE to share, though, as I have stated in a previous post, I do have moments where I feel it is unfair that I am alone in this. Such is my life and I will embrace it and enjoy it, not piddle it away dwelling on the fact that I am a single parent. As of late I have encounter some more moments when I wish that someone else where here with us....my little explorer is FASCINATED with going in our tiny little kitchen, especially when I am cooking, so I find myself thinking how wonderful it would be if there were another person to keep my babe entertained and out of trouble while I cook. Not quite sure whether I would want that person to be around any other times....to be honest ;)

     Other times I find my self simply wishing for more hands and eyes....I got me a quick lil booger. There are those moments where I have to load my child into the stroller just to take out the trash (we have dumpster service), and times that I spend more time chasing than I do doing the housework (or putting it off until bedtime and having too much to get done and not enough time). Those are some of the moments that make me question my decision to move and think maybe we should have just stayed where we were. Then I remember what our life was like there (the reasons that I chose to move) and realize that we are better off now/here than we were then/there.

     Although, I may always wonder if things may have gotten better at our old place and think we might have been okay if we would have stayed, I know that were we are IS good for us both in many ways. Partially for many of the reasons that I felt drawn to moving and somewhat since we are both getting a taste of "baby sitter life" in small doses. I know this may seem like nothing to some people, especially since it is family that watches my babe, but there are reasons that I wonder if it is the "right" and "best" decision for either of us. I know it is good to have the time apart and prep should there come a time of daycare or regular babysitter but for now a few times a month for an hour or so is about all I can manage and more than I want. In fact, I took my little to the store for groceries this last week rather than to family. My babe is very well behaved and loves being able to ride in the cart and kick.

     I love being able to do things for my child, even those things that seem so small to me (like a ride in the cart). A trip to the store means I can have my babe choose a toy, snack, outfit or jammies. As someone who get a huge rush/high while shopping it is probably a good thing to have the company and sounding board. I remember one shopping trip together that I had my kiddo pick out a character toddler blanket. If it had been up to me I either would have gotten the other choice or both. Maybe I am wrong to allow my (currently almost) 14 and a half month old be the voice of reason when it comes to random unnecessary purchases, but if it works maybe its okay :)

14 May, 2012

     Life has given me many opportunities to see what I am made of and how strong I am. I have found myself depressed but also found my way back up out of it more than once. I have always thought that my life would go differently, that by this point in my life...well, life would be different.

     I used to daydream and fantasize about being a wife and mother, living in a nice home, having a job (for most of my childhood I wanted to be a teacher). As I got older and started to realize things about myself, I came to understand my idea of being a teacher was so off. I need more structure than a room full of minors could give me and so being a teacher just isn't for me. I still struggle with what I am going to be "when I grow up" but my view of what I want has changed over the last few years.

     After coming to grips with not being a teacher and working in factories for a few years, I thought I could just  do that for the rest of my life. I liked what I did, and the laid back atmosphere was a big plus for me. Alas, my mind had higher goals than my body could reach. I find myself facing the fact that my body will not last as long as my age would have me work. I know I need to do more to get my body in shape and more able to last. I know that I could possibly work in a factory and for a longer period of time IF I would just get myself in better shape.

     Although, I know the whole "being a parent involves sacrifices" I just cannot, in my mind, justify me working a job that takes me away from my child for so long. I am all my babe has, really. I know we have moved closer to family and that they would help me out as much as they could, but I just cannot like the idea of being away for so long and having so little time to spend together. In the past the hours didn't bother me, but now I actually have someone that I would rather be with and that depends on me for more than paying the bills.

     I used to think that being a stay at home mom/wife was what I wanted but never knew or felt it the way I do now. Before it was just the idea of being the 1950's housewife and mother that I wanted, but now I actually don't feel like I can.....I don't know, trust, I guess, that someone, ANYONE else could teach and guild my child (or should it happen, children). I had already come to understand that I don't trust most people to clean the way I would so I guess it just goes hand in hand that I wouldn't trust another to be such a big part of my child's growth, development and life.

    I have honestly leaned so much about myself and the things I want out of life in the past year and a half. Leaning I was pregnant and becoming a mother have created such desire to settle into a life of being just a mother that I do believe I could find great joy and fulfillment by focusing on being the best I can be and not settling for less. I know that sounds like what a mother should do, but I mean it to be completely to sole responder to cries in the day and night, to raise my child to be a gift to society, to have a clean and well cared for home, home cooked meals.

     That is much different from how I grew up and from where I saw myself. I used to want to be the mom that my child was not embarrassed by and that all the friends would want to come hang out at our house. I wanted to be the "cool mom", to work during school hours only, and be home in time to bake a cake, cookies or something for after school. I wanted the glitz and glamer and notoriety of being mom, but now I want the runny noses (even if they are wiped on my clothes) and bad dreams. The early wake ups and messes that require a little more elbow grease to clean. I guess I want to be a REAL MOM and not the one some actor plays on TV.

10 May, 2012

     I love being a mom and I know I am strong enough to continue on as a single mom, but I must admit there have been times when I wished the other half of the DNA were involved.

     I have found myself enjoying many benefits of being a single mom to a child with an uninvolved baby daddy, I don't have to share my child...especially on the holidays. I don't have to check with someone about parenting decisions, it is all up to me and my preference. I saw the baby daddy in action as a parent and did not always agree with the choices he made, but those were not my children so I left it alone. I have always felt that, unless the child were in serious danger or at a risk, it was not my place to share my two cents. Had it been my child, we would have had some serious discussions about what was "right and wrong" about his approach.

     Not having him around has given me many opportunities since I have been doing everything with no one by my side to confer with or turn to. That has been the struggle for me. That the one person that I should be able to turn to, that has just as much at stake with each choice as I do, is not there. While I sat back and watched my preemie in incubators, under bili lights, daily blood sticks, and not being able to hold my child for long or without the wires and tubes leashing us to monitors, he was able to go about his day to day life as if nothing were going on. After finally getting my babe home, there were weight gain issues/regressions and I was left alone to suffer through the fear while he was able to get up and do whatever he wanted/needed without a single thought about was my child.

     Every time that I have had to watch my child in pain, or had to endure the screaming and wailing associated with restrictions so I can accomplish things, I have been.......I don't know, angry, I guess....that he is off doing whatever rather than going through it all with me. I can handle being a single mom easy, its the fact that he doesn't have to go through the really tough stuff that makes me wish he was around. I guess it is possible that he is suffering in some way since he doesn't get to see the babe, but I see that as his choice. Before the move we lived about three blocks away and he never came by, never called emailed or in any other way inquired to me about how the child was. I even tried once, sent him pictures, a birthday card and a letter written from babe's perspective. My efforts were responded to with a nasty hateful email claiming that the items were unwelcome (or atleast I was not welcomed for the effort) and that they would be "...returned or thrown away, which ever I wanted..."

     He pays child support, but in my opinion that doesn't mean he is achieving "father" status. To me a father is someone who is present in your life, supports you, shows you that they care. No amount of money can replace that person in a child's life. I may be a bit biased on this issue since my own "father" was not present in my life, and that was a choice he made for us both, but I guess is boils down to a saying I have heard about how "Daddy" is term that is earned or how "...any male can make a baby, but it takes a real man to step up and be a father..." or they go something like that.

     I know that I have been lucky that my child has been so healthy all these months, and other than the weight regressions, has not needed medical attention other than well baby checks, but I also know that it won't always be like this. My child is not always going to be healthy and never cause me worry again. I know that I will probably always have some anger (or whatever) over the fact that he is not around to go through the rough times with me and that he gets to go about his life completely unaffected by my child's life, but I hope that I can keep that part of me hidden from my child and not let it effect our relationship or any relationship that the future hold for either of us.My child is a great and wonderful little being and I hope to NEVER cause harm to my babe because of my issues.

25 April, 2012

     WOW...didn't realize it had been so long since I had last posted. So much has occurred in the past five weeks that it feels like so much time has passed but also like no time has passed. I found out about an apartment near my family and made arrangements to see it. My family came and got us for the weekend and we looked at the apartment. I signed the lease and paid the deposit that weekend as well. We returned to where we lived mid afternoon on that Sunday to start packing....my family would be returning Friday morning to load up and bring us to our new home. Let me just say....only five days to pack WHILE trying to maintain normal life for the wee one, being a single mom and full time student was way harder than I thought, thankfully my family arrived ready to help finish packing (I foolishly but successfully stayed awake until after 5 that morning) and to load up.

     The next day was my great aunt's 90th birthday party, then Sunday my cousin had her baby's first birthday. The following Sunday was Easter, and the Sunday after that was my babe's first birthday so I spent the weeks between trying to get things planned and ready. The weekend after the birthday party I had a garage sale (not very successful but I tried) so I spent that week trying to figure that all out. All the while school work, house work, unpacking and organizing (which I am still reworking the set ups) plus seeing to my babe and trying to give us a normal routine for the days and nights.

     I feel, sometimes, that I have no time to catch my breath, but other times I feel like I should have more done. I still feel weird in the new place and still second guess my impulsive decision to move but I signed a lease so we will be here for a year at least. I hope to feel more "at home" soon but I just haven't gotten to that point yet. I have felt better being in new surroundings. A feeling of ease and peace that I didn't have before. Although I am not sure that I made to "right" choice, I know I will make the best of it for us both.

18 March, 2012

My domestic skills are changing. Where I once was a cook of a few regular dishes, I find myself learning to cook new things, work with new ingredients or sometimes fresh, I am eager to learn to make more things from scratch rather than buy them ready made (which is a big deal for this former lazy cook). BUT (there is always a but), as my skills and advancements have come there, I have gotten very lax in cleaning my kitchen. I find myself wanting a dish washer, something I would never use before. Granted I have never lived anywhere that has one, but I have had exposure and chances to use them and opted to hand wash instead. I have tried to figure out why washing the dishes (something I don't really like to do, but hey, they HAVE to be washed) is so far at the bottom of the list that I can't even see it. I have justified it over and over again as being less important than other cleaning tasks or than spending time with my child. Then I realized that even when my wee one was sleeping soundly for naps or nighttime, I still didn't stand there most of the time and wash them. I think I may have finally come to an epiphany about this...when I wash the dishes I am not fully focused so, as with many other times in the day, my mind wanders to the thoughts that I push away when I fully focus. I find myself sitting up until way too late at night so I am too tired to not fall asleep quickly otherwise I will flip around in bed trying to digest different things that are going on or have happened as well as the things that I am waiting to happen. I am a planner and a procrastinator......I want to know all the details and have everything worked out, but will wait till the last minute to do anything LOL. So the future is very consuming in my mind, especially when I am restless in the present. To add to that is the fact that I keep thinking about everything that has happened to me in the recent past. Anytime I want to pinpoint how far back the recent past goes, though, I realize that there is something that came before that and it is still something I struggle with as well. So now I sit up until 2 or 3 in the morning trying to play games, search pins on Pinterest, or editing pictures of my little wonder so that I can go to bed ready to sleep rather than to relax myself to sleep. This makes if very hard for me to break this habit/pattern that we are in of not getting up until 8:30 or later most mornings. I love getting up early and having the whole day to get stuff done. When I don't get up till almost 9 (or later) it feels as though half my day is gone and the rest of it goes by so quickly. I hope this move will be a fresh start in more ways than one for us (well, me only...I don't really think my little bundle needs a fresh start at ALMOST a year old.......which is another thing that keeps my brain rolling Baby's First Birthday).

07 March, 2012

a revelation I came to some years ago but I find to be so true, it is one of the main things that drives me to be who I am and how I am. This profound realization is that no matter what my friends or family think I should do, I am the one that has to live with the decision I make. I can be given any advice but I have to choose to follow the advice that is best for me. I often wonder how many people think of this when they give advice to someone....no matter how much of an "expert" you may be (those quotes are there for the situations when they fit, not all situations). No matter the circumstances, no matter the issues, I am the one who is accountable for my actions. When it is all said and done, I have to choose to do what I believe is the best and be FULLY committed to it.

When choices need to be made, all possible outcomes must be considered as well. Not only must I live with the decision I make, but I must be willing to carry on with whatever fall out my choice includes.

I used to think things through and weigh the consequences with much more ease than I do now. In the past my choices only effected me but now I have my child to think of and that is making it so much harder. To figure out what is best for the babe, for me and for us both is very taxing. How do I make sure the choices I make are what is best for my child and not just rationalized that way to get what I want? <----this is what I keep wondering. I have been told I over think things but sometimes I don't think one can over think.....I just am not sure if this is one of those times.

08 February, 2012

Sorry I have been off for a bit....been stressed and in bad/depressed moods and couldn't think of anything to write that would not sound as such. Life just seems like its getting better than BAM!! knocks me back and the path I was on is no longer an option. I am trying to pull myself together....struggling to do so but trying none the less.

Since becoming a mom I see things so differently than I did before. In the past, any decision I made really only effected me, but now I have to weigh the consequences differently because the bigger issue is how they will effect my child. In the past when I wasn't sure about what to do or which choice to make, ultimately it would be easy to change my mind after the fact and make the necessary adjustments. Now, on the other hand, it isn't the same. Now I have to take into consideration what my choice means for and which is best for my child.

Right now I keep going back and forth on moving. Either way we are moving out of our apartment, but I am torn between staying in a town where I have friends and no family around (but am pretty much equally distant from both sides of my family) or moving to be closer to one side (and therefore, twice as far from the other). I can come up with reasons for and against both and so I struggle to know which is going to be the best decision as far as my child is concerned.

I know some of my reasons are more selfish but I worry that maybe I shouldn't blow them off so easily as being selfish and wonder if maybe I should give them more weight in my over all choice. One of these reasons is that I really like the doctor we have (third one for my child, who was about three months old at the first visit). I don't really want to go through that process again, plus my child has had some health issues and I am not sure I should switch since everything seems to be going so well now, and has been for a while too.

I also go back and forth on the issue of support. I know my friends are there for me, but they also have families and responsibilities of their own, whereas I have family with nothing else really going on that would be able to lend a hand in a pinch. I know part of my struggle is the fact that I am a pedestrian currently and part of me feels that if I changed this I would feel better about staying.

Although, I would have family there to help me (and they would out number my friends), they are also closed minded, openly opinionated and judgmental. I am not sure I want to have my child exposed to their comments and views at such an impressionable time. As good as the support and everything would be, I don't know that having them be such a big part of our lives would be good, nor am I sure that not going so that I have the support is a good idea.

I keep wondering if I just get back on the road so I can get us around to where we need to go, if we would be ok here. I know that it would help my depression....or atleast I think it would. I feel the depression so strongly when I feel helpless. When I need to go somewhere for my child (the store to get something/s or to the doctor) and cannot find a ride. It is such a frustrating feeling to be incapable of doing what I need to so that I can take care of my babe. I am so thankful that my baby has been so healthy and when things have come up they haven't been so important or have gone away on their own. The idea of NEEDING to get to the doctor and not being able to find a ride is one of my big fears anymore.

I also worry that if I were to get sick or something and couldn't care for my babe the way I need to, who could I turn to for help. My friends all have kids of their own, families and responsibilities to see to and would not be so freely available to help me be able to provide the care my child needs and deserves. I would not want nor ask ANYONE (family or friend) to take my babe but rather to come for a bit to help me or to be in our home so I could rest and not worry. I know it might be best to have someone take my baby away for a few hours or a night/day (whichever) but I just don't want us separated.

Well, anyway, the stress of trying to figure out which move to make for us....constantly weighing the pros and cons to see which pros ultimately out weigh the associated cons, and the helpless feeling of being a pedestrian and unable to do things for my child have me kinda down and depressed (that and the gloomy grey sky and chilly temps). Trying to get my homework and house work done, as well as sleep, while my babe is sleeping so I am able to enjoy the waking moments and new skills (not to mention I really cannot turn my back for more than a couple of seconds some times), has me a little overwhelmed and frazzled. All these things plus fact that I am not getting all the house work done and I am not getting enough sleep has me a bit crabby ( and therefore, feeling guilty about being so towards my child).

So, anyway, I probably won't have much inspired and uplifting to write for a while and so probably will cut myself back to once a week unless or until I have more positive stuff on my mind.

30 January, 2012

     Well, I didn't even make it a week writing everyday........I let my homework pile up until the weekend. I need to stop doing that. But then again, I say that EVERY weekend, and it has yet to sink in. I guess sometimes, even though you know better, you still don't do what you should. 

     My mind has been over-run trying to figure some people out this weekend and that is still what is on my mind tonight. So, rather than ramble on about how I cannot understand how people can be the way they are, I am just going to go with my new view on this issue. I can only understand things the way I do them, or am used to them. I cannot see the point of view of someone who thinks differently than I do. I cannot put myself in their shoes and get a look at life from their perspective.

     Although I may not agree with their views or choices, I must accept that they are entitled to have their own opinions and to do things the way they do. It is their life and they can live it however they want......in the end they have to answer for their own actions.

     Well, I am going to leave tonight's post short to avoid any farther agitation of the waters in my mind. 

27 January, 2012

     As my day is drawing to an end, I am thinking of ways to lead by example. I started making a list of things I needed to change and habits I needed to put an end to before my child turned one. I am really far behind and may just end up going cold turkey,,,,,which is probably what I should have done to begin with.

     Being single I developed a few short cuts to eliminate some unnecessary chores. I started drinking and eating out of the containers rather than dirty a dish or cup. I got really used to living alone and having no one to answer to. Now, although I don't really have to answer to my child, I do have to make sure I take care of the babe. With the first year almost behind us, I am realizing that I will no longer be the only one drinking the juice and milk. I won't be the only one eating the ice cream, dip and such. I will have to go back to washing glasses just for a quick drink and dishes and silverware for dip, bowls for ice cream. I will no longer be able to just eat it out of the pan.

     I also realized that I am going to need to get plastic plates and bowls soon.....which means more dishes. Which has brought me to point of change in my own life. I have always been the weird girl who would rather wash the dishes than mess with the dish washer. Now, I have never lived somewhere with a dishwasher, but whenever I babysat somewhere that had one, I would wash the dishes by hand......if the dishes in the dishwasher were clean, I would put them away but I would never run it myself.

     I now realize how much I want one. Before it always felt like a cop out to not do the dishes, but now I would rather load the machine up, push the buttons (or whatever) and walk away to play with my wee one. Most of this is probably coming from a place within me that feels so stretched with trying to do things while my baby is in bed sleeping. A few hours a day is not enough to keep up on homework and housework. Now I do manage some tasks while my babe is awake...I sweep, vacuum and cook for the most part and I can do laundry. The hard part is the things that require me to turn my back and possibly miss a new development (rolling from back to belly happened while I was in the other room) or if I am doing dishes I won't hear if I am needed.

     I love the fact that I am able to be with my child every moment and wouldn't give a second of it up for anything, but I would also like to be able to stop time to do the chores and such so I don't miss a single moment of this time. Maybe I feel the need to be there so much since it is just me, but I don't know. All I do know is that I want to guide and teach my child and if I am not able to be the SAHM or WAHM I really want to be, then I am going to make the most of it while I can.

26 January, 2012

     Last night my wee one got the hiccups as I was emptying the tub and I said "Say hiccup"....granted not in a normal voice or with a straight voice, but this is apparently EXTREMELY FUNNY if you are 9 and a half months old. The laughter continued today as I faked a few hiccups during the day as well as some sneezes.

     This has reminded me of how easily entertained I am sometimes....especially when the entertainment is my child's laugh. I have learned many things about myself in the years I have been alive, and one of the hardest to remember sometimes, is to revel in the small stuff. The simple pleasures life gives that we all to often become used to and take for granted. I know it sounds cliche and maybe a little preachy in a way, but I have seen posts on Pinterest and Facebook about how we should thank God for the things in our lives....even (and maybe most importantly the little everyday things).

     I think it sounds kinda uncaring/bragging to thank God for not being sick, but I know I can rephrase it to say thank you, God for keeping me healthy because if I were sick I don't know how I would be able to care for my babe. I have had a few days where I wasn't feeling the greatest and not being able to care for my child as I normally would made me feel worse, but also determined to get well quickly.

     One of the posts asks "What if you woke up with only the things you thanked God for yesterday"....this one makes me wonder what do I have today that I wouldn't want to find gone when I woke up. The other asks "Did you thank God for waking you up today?" (this isn't the exact wording, but the point is still there.
     I love to watch my babe play on the floor and learn and discover things and I don't even want to think about what my life would be like today if I didn't not have this sweet being in my daily life. I wasn't exactly in the best of situations when I got pregnant and am not exactly flourishing now, but I know my child keeps me centered and grounded.

   Looking back over the things that have tested me in the past, I now think my reason for surviving was to raise my child. That I was tested and survived to show me how strong and capable I am, that no matter how hard things may seem, I can do it. I have often said my pregnancy was a breeze and it was....if I could be GUARANTEED that every one would be like that I would do it again in a heartbeat (well, I would do it again either way since I would love to have more children but that is beside the point) and so far raising my child is easy peasey. I have stress and all, but not from my babe or being a mother, but from life in general and my own issues from my life.

     Ok, I got a little long and all, so if you are still reading.......kudos to you. In short being a mother has taught me to be thankful for even the little everyday things, and take nothing for granted. Yeah, it may still be there tomorrow, but just in case the aren't be sure to enjoy them today. As anyone with kids can tell you......they grow up FAST!!

25 January, 2012

     Ok, so I am going to TRRRRRY to post something each day....no promises though :). Not only am I a mother, but I am a single mother with a two bedroom apartment to clean and I am a full time student. I take all my classes online, so it is up to me to stay motivated......anyone who knows me, knows this CAN be a challenge for me.
     Well, today's lesson I have learned from my child is that making a schedule or a plan of how things are going to happen is pointless when it involves another person. No matter how young or old, capable or not, that person may not see keeping the schedule as important as you do. I have always been a work til it is done and then take a break kind of person, but since becoming a mom I have had to stop doing chores or homework at the insistant cry of my child.....like now, for instance. I guess playing with toys while I cook (and type between stirring) isn't part of my child's plan.


     Ok, dinner is done, bath is taken, jammies are on and the babe has had a bottle and is in bed. Now it is mama time (which is something I always feel so overwhelmed when I get that I cannot always decide what to do with it). Tonight I have washed bottles and cleaned up a bit. Now I am finishing this and moving on to homework.
      My child has taught me to value the importance of time. Some time is meant to be spend doing chores, or homework. Most time is meant to be spent with the babe....learning that things CAN wait, that they are not going move or disappear is a lesson I have learned but do need reminded about again and again. I have learned to let that need to clean the bathroom, do the dishes, bake the cookies, TAKE A SHOWER, and such will wait but the babe is only going to be this age for the moment. I would rather sleep a few hours at night and wake to my happy baby than get a "complete" nights sleep. I would rather spend the day playing on the floor with a mirror or a ball, watch cartoons, read books and wipe drool off my face than sweep, mop, scrub, disinfect (which I am sure not too many people really want to do these things but they are a necessary part of a clean home).
     Since becoming a mom I have come to grips with having my stove top not be perfectly white and streak free, that having spit-up on my clothes isn't the worst thing in the world and I will survive if I don't get them changed until AFTER the babe is done napping on me, that I can still function through the day with only a few hours of sleep (and for a few days in a row too). AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, that sometimes it is completely ok to put off housework and take a nap (probably one of the hardest lessons for me).
     Ok, so this is my first post....just for the record. I was encouraged to start a blog by a good friend and blogger.....so if you don't like my blog, blame her LOL.

     ANYWAY!! I thought long and hard about what I would blog about....didn't really come up with much. Then, it hit me, I am always learning something. Lately most of the things I am learning are being taught by my child.

     I love being a mother, more than I ever thought I would. To be able to sit and watch this little person explore and discover the world is amazing. As my child has started to self feed I have learned that is ok for there to be food on the floor (for the moment). Since, after dinner I clean the babe up and prep for bed time, I have learned that it doesn't matter if the dinner mess sits until after the wee one is bedded down for the night. I have learned there are more ways than one to play with toys.

     My intent with this blog is to write about what I am learning from my child. I will expand upon the items I have listed above and others. I may sometimes write about other lessons I have learned in life because not all things can be taught by a child, and experience is the best teacher.