03 November, 2013

OK, it has really been a while since I posted. I knew it had been a bit, but didn't realize I was nearing a year...this year has really flown by. It has been mostly me stressing (which is normal), a lot of "blah" and mundane everyday stuff (which, too, is normal) and a little bit of new stuff that I just haven't really felt the need or desire to share.
Well, I guess the first "OBVIOUS" place to go is that I am really bad at writing to people, even an audience but I have actually pulled way back on posting on media sites as well. Some of that is me being guarded and trying to keep some sort of anonymity, especially for my wee one, but also I am just not that exciting. I really am quite boring. Each day is pretty much the same cycle of us just living. playing and learning. My little is learning new stuff all the time, but mainly my learning seems to be learning what new thing my babe has discovered. New words, new interests and new abilities.
It somewhat saddens me that I have failed to keep up with this blog like I had originally planned, but I am a very quiet and secretive person so I guess I should expect that even blogging as an "unknown" still makes me feel vulnerable. I have intense social anxiety, and I am not really sure where it originates from, but in High School and for some time afterwords, I remember feeling [....] with so much certainty. I seemed to move past it and gain some social confidence but it has gone now and I am back to [....]
I know it is all in my head, I mean, in my head I know it is just my head over thinking situations, but in my heart, I just cannot handle it. To be honest, I think the state of the world has something to do with it as well. The news is scary and sad so much of the time, and I was just thinking earlier that I think this world needs a news station that only airs (and prints as it would be) the "happy" and "feel-good" human interest stories. There are so many local and national news stations that are always on top of all news stories, good or bad, and if that is the kind of news you want, it would still be there. But sometimes I think everyone would like a break from the sad and scary reality of our world and to sit down and focus on inspiring news stories. To devote a whole news show, or channel even, to stuff that would shine a light on helpful people and various acts of kindness, of people "paying it forward" and the stuff the "restores faith in humanity". The uplifting stuff that gets cast in the shadow of shootings, rapes, kidnappings, violence and drugs. These news stories are in the news papers and magazines, in our email our Facebook and Twitter feeds, conversations with friends and/or co-workers. We are constantly bombarded with the negative that it is hard to remember the bright spots, let alone shine them for all to see.

30 January, 2013

So, I live my life with no regrets. To most people that probably sounds like I am an adrenaline junkie, and always take risks, but that is not the case with me. For me, living with no regrets means that I don't regret anything in my past, nor my present (which will be my past in the future).
It may not make sense to you (or it might) but it does make sense to me. I think, re-think and probably over-think, most of my choices and decisions. I really try to think of all possible outcomes and make sure that I can live with them before I go that route. I don't commit to any choice unless I am as mentally prepared for the fall-out as I can be. 
 I don't regret anything because I wouldn't change any of it. As I think back over my life, there are times and events that I am not so proud of, but I would not change them for anything. I have given this much thought, and I know that, although I am not overly please with or happy about my life right now, I know it could be worse.
I always thought I would be married and have kids (note the 's', I do mean more than one.) by now. I wanted to be a wife and mother early in my twenties, rather than being a 30 year old single mother to one child. Even though I had different plans for my life than my reality, I wouldn't change anything in my past.
Even if it would mean me having the life I used to dream of, I wouldn't do it. I would not give up my child or our life together for it. I wouldn't want to have all of that without my babe, so I wouldn't risk it.
For as long as I can remember (while being able to think this way, that is) I have even taken the time to calm down (usually, anyway) before I speak. I like to make sure I am thinking clearly and that I say and act in an honest way. I cannot say it such a philosophical way of life, that I am always thinking "you cannot take that back", but more that I know anger is more than just an emotion. Anger is also an impulse and things that are said or done in anger are not always true. I have heard that, in anger, people are more honest because they are not filtered, but I don't fully support that view.
In my experience, I am defensive when I am angry, so I go on the attack. I will say or do things that I am sure will hurt the person I am angry at. It might just be me outgrowing childlike behaviors or becoming more aware of other's feelings.
I have not experienced this yet, but I have heard about it. Children will claim to hate their parents when they are mad, and we all know that isn't true, so perhaps it is just that I am more mature. Either way, I know I am going to have to live with and answer for all of my decisions, so for that I am trying to be sure I can hold my head high later in life when the questions come.

12 January, 2013

I had a revelation the other day, and from that I am working on become a more positive person. Too often I find myself focusing on the bad of each situation. In the moment, especially. So now, I am working on finding the good and making that my focus. The biggest struggle is going to be within my immediate response, and so that is where I need to work the most. I figure if I focus on finding the good right away, the rest will take care of itself.
As examples, I offer up, first, the event that started it all. My wee one poo'ed in the bath a while back and my first thoughts were how horrible this was. I had just cleaned the tub, well the whole bathroom, actually, earlier that day. Now, after putting my babe to bed for the night, I was going to have to tackle that smell, pick the poo's out of the tub and flush them and clean the tub all over again. For an hour that night, that was all I could think about. Then, once it was all taken care of, I was chatting with a friend and I realized the bonuses in the situation. Better in the bath than the bath towel or the fresh clean diaper. Better before going to bed than in the middle of the night.
More recently, I slipped on some ice and landed on my hands and one knee...my bad knee but that is a different issue. I had just left an appointment and was on my way to the car. In the amount of time it took me to walk across the street after my slip, I was already thinking how glad I was that my cell had been in my purse rather than still in my hand. It may seem monetary and trivial compared to other things I could have been grateful for. But not having to replace a three month old phone was it at that moment.
I find that my ability to focus on my gratitude so soon after my fall the other day shows great progress. Each and every day I am leaning from my child and growing into a better person. The kind of person I want my child to be.