Life has given me many opportunities to see what I am made of and how strong I am. I have found myself depressed but also found my way back up out of it more than once. I have always thought that my life would go differently, that by this point in my life...well, life would be different.

     I used to daydream and fantasize about being a wife and mother, living in a nice home, having a job (for most of my childhood I wanted to be a teacher). As I got older and started to realize things about myself, I came to understand my idea of being a teacher was so off. I need more structure than a room full of minors could give me and so being a teacher just isn't for me. I still struggle with what I am going to be "when I grow up" but my view of what I want has changed over the last few years.

     After coming to grips with not being a teacher and working in factories for a few years, I thought I could just  do that for the rest of my life. I liked what I did, and the laid back atmosphere was a big plus for me. Alas, my mind had higher goals than my body could reach. I find myself facing the fact that my body will not last as long as my age would have me work. I know I need to do more to get my body in shape and more able to last. I know that I could possibly work in a factory and for a longer period of time IF I would just get myself in better shape.

     Although, I know the whole "being a parent involves sacrifices" I just cannot, in my mind, justify me working a job that takes me away from my child for so long. I am all my babe has, really. I know we have moved closer to family and that they would help me out as much as they could, but I just cannot like the idea of being away for so long and having so little time to spend together. In the past the hours didn't bother me, but now I actually have someone that I would rather be with and that depends on me for more than paying the bills.

     I used to think that being a stay at home mom/wife was what I wanted but never knew or felt it the way I do now. Before it was just the idea of being the 1950's housewife and mother that I wanted, but now I actually don't feel like I can.....I don't know, trust, I guess, that someone, ANYONE else could teach and guild my child (or should it happen, children). I had already come to understand that I don't trust most people to clean the way I would so I guess it just goes hand in hand that I wouldn't trust another to be such a big part of my child's growth, development and life.

    I have honestly leaned so much about myself and the things I want out of life in the past year and a half. Leaning I was pregnant and becoming a mother have created such desire to settle into a life of being just a mother that I do believe I could find great joy and fulfillment by focusing on being the best I can be and not settling for less. I know that sounds like what a mother should do, but I mean it to be completely to sole responder to cries in the day and night, to raise my child to be a gift to society, to have a clean and well cared for home, home cooked meals.

     That is much different from how I grew up and from where I saw myself. I used to want to be the mom that my child was not embarrassed by and that all the friends would want to come hang out at our house. I wanted to be the "cool mom", to work during school hours only, and be home in time to bake a cake, cookies or something for after school. I wanted the glitz and glamer and notoriety of being mom, but now I want the runny noses (even if they are wiped on my clothes) and bad dreams. The early wake ups and messes that require a little more elbow grease to clean. I guess I want to be a REAL MOM and not the one some actor plays on TV.