25 November, 2014

     I did something today that I never wanted to do, that I swore I wouldn't do. I hate that it came to it, I felt sick while I did it and fought the urge to cry (I was walking through a parking lot) afterwards. I might have lost the fight if I hadn't gotten a phone call that distracted me in that moment and changed my mental/emotional state.
     As much as I didn't want to do this, I did it, and I cannot and will not deny it. I did have a thought as I processed my emotions after I returned home. One of the reasons I didn't intend or want to ever do this, is because, as I have said, "It is hardest the first time.".
     I realized, now, that this is true for everything in life. And I think it becomes easier once it has been done because you did it and you survived.
     There are so many things in life that seem so frightening before we do them, but after the fact, we can often look back and wonder why we were so scared. I have gone through many moments of emotional and mental turmoil in my life but I have come out on the other side still kicking. I am a survivor, as the song says.
     There are some things that I never wanted to go through, mostly heart aches, but I am still going strong, damaged but not dead yet. I just wish that my life hadn't come to what it has come to today.
     I have done things since becoming a mother that I claim "revoke or deny" me my "Mother of the Year" nomination/award, but this probably is the worst in my mind. 

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