I have recently found myself contemplating my motives. I named my child after a deceased member of my family, and now am wondering why I chose that person. They weren't really a big influence on me or a major part of my life, but yet I chose to name my first born after them. I feel like maybe I tried too hard to please someone, even though they are dead. I feel like I am still trying to have that connection that I wanted but didn't have. I was jealous of the relationship other family members had with this person (one in particular, but you'll have that LOL) and always wanted to feel as though I was special to them too. That I was worth the time and effort.

I have, over the last nine and a half years, gotten a better look at my own mother from a different perspective. I see where there were things I want to emulate with my own child, but I am even more firm to not become her. I find myself, now, wondering if her behaviors are part of why I didn't have the relationship I so desired. Was I shunned by this family member BECAUSE of my mom? I know that we moved away when I was young, so having that close everyday relationship wouldn't have happened, but would it have if we hadn't moved.

If she is the cause of the lacking relationship, would it have been different if we hadn't moved?

I know that this recent train of thought is mostly associated with our moving since we are back where I started. Yes, back in the town I lived when I was a baby, back where my mom's family is from and much of it is living. I have a the whole love/hate thing going still about the move and keep thinking that I just want to pack up and move away, but then realize that I would be no happier...at least not yet. I have a few more things to get sorted out in my own life, then I could move away with less worry. EXCEPT that I wouldn't know where to go. I don't want to go back to where we were....well, I do for the doctors, I loved my babe's doctor and my OB/GYN. I don't know if I could move some place were I don't already know some people that I can trust so that only leaves where I grew up, and, well, I don't know how "profitable" a move there would be.

I have reasons that I actually do want to live there again, but I also have reasons that I don't. I am not sure what the job market is there so I can't even say if it would even last.

     I am always amazed when my wee one learns something that wasn't actually taught. The other day, out of no where, my babe started turning around in circles, has started putting things (sometimes appropriate and sometimes not appropriate) in the trash can (as well as taking stuff out =( ). I hope this absorption of knowledge and skills continues throughout life...especially with such ease, I just wish I could figure out how to encourage the good behaviors, like putting trash in the can, and discourage the things like putting non garbage in and taking garbage out.

     As life is progressing for us I find myself adapting to leaving me babe with a "sitter" from time to time. This is a HUGE step for me as my helpless little babe suffered a weight loss while in the care of others at 10 and 11 weeks old. After that my resolve to be SOLE CARETAKER was renewed and in full force. I love being home and watching all the new skills develop and hearing as new words and phrases come out that adorable, yet slobbery, mouth.

     I love that my baby is all mine and I don't HAVE to share, though, as I have stated in a previous post, I do have moments where I feel it is unfair that I am alone in this. Such is my life and I will embrace it and enjoy it, not piddle it away dwelling on the fact that I am a single parent. As of late I have encounter some more moments when I wish that someone else where here with us....my little explorer is FASCINATED with going in our tiny little kitchen, especially when I am cooking, so I find myself thinking how wonderful it would be if there were another person to keep my babe entertained and out of trouble while I cook. Not quite sure whether I would want that person to be around any other times....to be honest ;)

     Other times I find my self simply wishing for more hands and eyes....I got me a quick lil booger. There are those moments where I have to load my child into the stroller just to take out the trash (we have dumpster service), and times that I spend more time chasing than I do doing the housework (or putting it off until bedtime and having too much to get done and not enough time). Those are some of the moments that make me question my decision to move and think maybe we should have just stayed where we were. Then I remember what our life was like there (the reasons that I chose to move) and realize that we are better off now/here than we were then/there.

     Although, I may always wonder if things may have gotten better at our old place and think we might have been okay if we would have stayed, I know that were we are IS good for us both in many ways. Partially for many of the reasons that I felt drawn to moving and somewhat since we are both getting a taste of "baby sitter life" in small doses. I know this may seem like nothing to some people, especially since it is family that watches my babe, but there are reasons that I wonder if it is the "right" and "best" decision for either of us. I know it is good to have the time apart and prep should there come a time of daycare or regular babysitter but for now a few times a month for an hour or so is about all I can manage and more than I want. In fact, I took my little to the store for groceries this last week rather than to family. My babe is very well behaved and loves being able to ride in the cart and kick.

     I love being able to do things for my child, even those things that seem so small to me (like a ride in the cart). A trip to the store means I can have my babe choose a toy, snack, outfit or jammies. As someone who get a huge rush/high while shopping it is probably a good thing to have the company and sounding board. I remember one shopping trip together that I had my kiddo pick out a character toddler blanket. If it had been up to me I either would have gotten the other choice or both. Maybe I am wrong to allow my (currently almost) 14 and a half month old be the voice of reason when it comes to random unnecessary purchases, but if it works maybe its okay :)

     Life has given me many opportunities to see what I am made of and how strong I am. I have found myself depressed but also found my way back up out of it more than once. I have always thought that my life would go differently, that by this point in my life...well, life would be different.

     I used to daydream and fantasize about being a wife and mother, living in a nice home, having a job (for most of my childhood I wanted to be a teacher). As I got older and started to realize things about myself, I came to understand my idea of being a teacher was so off. I need more structure than a room full of minors could give me and so being a teacher just isn't for me. I still struggle with what I am going to be "when I grow up" but my view of what I want has changed over the last few years.

     After coming to grips with not being a teacher and working in factories for a few years, I thought I could just  do that for the rest of my life. I liked what I did, and the laid back atmosphere was a big plus for me. Alas, my mind had higher goals than my body could reach. I find myself facing the fact that my body will not last as long as my age would have me work. I know I need to do more to get my body in shape and more able to last. I know that I could possibly work in a factory and for a longer period of time IF I would just get myself in better shape.

     Although, I know the whole "being a parent involves sacrifices" I just cannot, in my mind, justify me working a job that takes me away from my child for so long. I am all my babe has, really. I know we have moved closer to family and that they would help me out as much as they could, but I just cannot like the idea of being away for so long and having so little time to spend together. In the past the hours didn't bother me, but now I actually have someone that I would rather be with and that depends on me for more than paying the bills.

     I used to think that being a stay at home mom/wife was what I wanted but never knew or felt it the way I do now. Before it was just the idea of being the 1950's housewife and mother that I wanted, but now I actually don't feel like I can.....I don't know, trust, I guess, that someone, ANYONE else could teach and guild my child (or should it happen, children). I had already come to understand that I don't trust most people to clean the way I would so I guess it just goes hand in hand that I wouldn't trust another to be such a big part of my child's growth, development and life.

    I have honestly leaned so much about myself and the things I want out of life in the past year and a half. Leaning I was pregnant and becoming a mother have created such desire to settle into a life of being just a mother that I do believe I could find great joy and fulfillment by focusing on being the best I can be and not settling for less. I know that sounds like what a mother should do, but I mean it to be completely to sole responder to cries in the day and night, to raise my child to be a gift to society, to have a clean and well cared for home, home cooked meals.

     That is much different from how I grew up and from where I saw myself. I used to want to be the mom that my child was not embarrassed by and that all the friends would want to come hang out at our house. I wanted to be the "cool mom", to work during school hours only, and be home in time to bake a cake, cookies or something for after school. I wanted the glitz and glamer and notoriety of being mom, but now I want the runny noses (even if they are wiped on my clothes) and bad dreams. The early wake ups and messes that require a little more elbow grease to clean. I guess I want to be a REAL MOM and not the one some actor plays on TV.

     I love being a mom and I know I am strong enough to continue on as a single mom, but I must admit there have been times when I wished the other half of the DNA were involved.

     I have found myself enjoying many benefits of being a single mom to a child with an uninvolved baby daddy, I don't have to share my child...especially on the holidays. I don't have to check with someone about parenting decisions, it is all up to me and my preference. I saw the baby daddy in action as a parent and did not always agree with the choices he made, but those were not my children so I left it alone. I have always felt that, unless the child were in serious danger or at a risk, it was not my place to share my two cents. Had it been my child, we would have had some serious discussions about what was "right and wrong" about his approach.

     Not having him around has given me many opportunities since I have been doing everything with no one by my side to confer with or turn to. That has been the struggle for me. That the one person that I should be able to turn to, that has just as much at stake with each choice as I do, is not there. While I sat back and watched my preemie in incubators, under bili lights, daily blood sticks, and not being able to hold my child for long or without the wires and tubes leashing us to monitors, he was able to go about his day to day life as if nothing were going on. After finally getting my babe home, there were weight gain issues/regressions and I was left alone to suffer through the fear while he was able to get up and do whatever he wanted/needed without a single thought about was my child.

     Every time that I have had to watch my child in pain, or had to endure the screaming and wailing associated with restrictions so I can accomplish things, I have been.......I don't know, angry, I guess....that he is off doing whatever rather than going through it all with me. I can handle being a single mom easy, its the fact that he doesn't have to go through the really tough stuff that makes me wish he was around. I guess it is possible that he is suffering in some way since he doesn't get to see the babe, but I see that as his choice. Before the move we lived about three blocks away and he never came by, never called emailed or in any other way inquired to me about how the child was. I even tried once, sent him pictures, a birthday card and a letter written from babe's perspective. My efforts were responded to with a nasty hateful email claiming that the items were unwelcome (or atleast I was not welcomed for the effort) and that they would be "...returned or thrown away, which ever I wanted..."

     He pays child support, but in my opinion that doesn't mean he is achieving "father" status. To me a father is someone who is present in your life, supports you, shows you that they care. No amount of money can replace that person in a child's life. I may be a bit biased on this issue since my own "father" was not present in my life, and that was a choice he made for us both, but I guess is boils down to a saying I have heard about how "Daddy" is term that is earned or how "...any male can make a baby, but it takes a real man to step up and be a father..." or they go something like that.

     I know that I have been lucky that my child has been so healthy all these months, and other than the weight regressions, has not needed medical attention other than well baby checks, but I also know that it won't always be like this. My child is not always going to be healthy and never cause me worry again. I know that I will probably always have some anger (or whatever) over the fact that he is not around to go through the rough times with me and that he gets to go about his life completely unaffected by my child's life, but I hope that I can keep that part of me hidden from my child and not let it effect our relationship or any relationship that the future hold for either of us.My child is a great and wonderful little being and I hope to NEVER cause harm to my babe because of my issues.

     WOW...didn't realize it had been so long since I had last posted. So much has occurred in the past five weeks that it feels like so much time has passed but also like no time has passed. I found out about an apartment near my family and made arrangements to see it. My family came and got us for the weekend and we looked at the apartment. I signed the lease and paid the deposit that weekend as well. We returned to where we lived mid afternoon on that Sunday to start packing....my family would be returning Friday morning to load up and bring us to our new home. Let me just say....only five days to pack WHILE trying to maintain normal life for the wee one, being a single mom and full time student was way harder than I thought, thankfully my family arrived ready to help finish packing (I foolishly but successfully stayed awake until after 5 that morning) and to load up.

     The next day was my great aunt's 90th birthday party, then Sunday my cousin had her baby's first birthday. The following Sunday was Easter, and the Sunday after that was my babe's first birthday so I spent the weeks between trying to get things planned and ready. The weekend after the birthday party I had a garage sale (not very successful but I tried) so I spent that week trying to figure that all out. All the while school work, house work, unpacking and organizing (which I am still reworking the set ups) plus seeing to my babe and trying to give us a normal routine for the days and nights.

     I feel, sometimes, that I have no time to catch my breath, but other times I feel like I should have more done. I still feel weird in the new place and still second guess my impulsive decision to move but I signed a lease so we will be here for a year at least. I hope to feel more "at home" soon but I just haven't gotten to that point yet. I have felt better being in new surroundings. A feeling of ease and peace that I didn't have before. Although I am not sure that I made to "right" choice, I know I will make the best of it for us both.

My domestic skills are changing. Where I once was a cook of a few regular dishes, I find myself learning to cook new things, work with new ingredients or sometimes fresh, I am eager to learn to make more things from scratch rather than buy them ready made (which is a big deal for this former lazy cook). BUT (there is always a but), as my skills and advancements have come there, I have gotten very lax in cleaning my kitchen. I find myself wanting a dish washer, something I would never use before. Granted I have never lived anywhere that has one, but I have had exposure and chances to use them and opted to hand wash instead. I have tried to figure out why washing the dishes (something I don't really like to do, but hey, they HAVE to be washed) is so far at the bottom of the list that I can't even see it. I have justified it over and over again as being less important than other cleaning tasks or than spending time with my child. Then I realized that even when my wee one was sleeping soundly for naps or nighttime, I still didn't stand there most of the time and wash them. I think I may have finally come to an epiphany about this...when I wash the dishes I am not fully focused so, as with many other times in the day, my mind wanders to the thoughts that I push away when I fully focus. I find myself sitting up until way too late at night so I am too tired to not fall asleep quickly otherwise I will flip around in bed trying to digest different things that are going on or have happened as well as the things that I am waiting to happen. I am a planner and a procrastinator......I want to know all the details and have everything worked out, but will wait till the last minute to do anything LOL. So the future is very consuming in my mind, especially when I am restless in the present. To add to that is the fact that I keep thinking about everything that has happened to me in the recent past. Anytime I want to pinpoint how far back the recent past goes, though, I realize that there is something that came before that and it is still something I struggle with as well. So now I sit up until 2 or 3 in the morning trying to play games, search pins on Pinterest, or editing pictures of my little wonder so that I can go to bed ready to sleep rather than to relax myself to sleep. This makes if very hard for me to break this habit/pattern that we are in of not getting up until 8:30 or later most mornings. I love getting up early and having the whole day to get stuff done. When I don't get up till almost 9 (or later) it feels as though half my day is gone and the rest of it goes by so quickly. I hope this move will be a fresh start in more ways than one for us (well, me only...I don't really think my little bundle needs a fresh start at ALMOST a year old.......which is another thing that keeps my brain rolling Baby's First Birthday).

a revelation I came to some years ago but I find to be so true, it is one of the main things that drives me to be who I am and how I am. This profound realization is that no matter what my friends or family think I should do, I am the one that has to live with the decision I make. I can be given any advice but I have to choose to follow the advice that is best for me. I often wonder how many people think of this when they give advice to someone....no matter how much of an "expert" you may be (those quotes are there for the situations when they fit, not all situations). No matter the circumstances, no matter the issues, I am the one who is accountable for my actions. When it is all said and done, I have to choose to do what I believe is the best and be FULLY committed to it.

When choices need to be made, all possible outcomes must be considered as well. Not only must I live with the decision I make, but I must be willing to carry on with whatever fall out my choice includes.

I used to think things through and weigh the consequences with much more ease than I do now. In the past my choices only effected me but now I have my child to think of and that is making it so much harder. To figure out what is best for the babe, for me and for us both is very taxing. How do I make sure the choices I make are what is best for my child and not just rationalized that way to get what I want? <----this is what I keep wondering. I have been told I over think things but sometimes I don't think one can over think.....I just am not sure if this is one of those times.