My domestic skills are changing. Where I once was a cook of a few regular dishes, I find myself learning to cook new things, work with new ingredients or sometimes fresh, I am eager to learn to make more things from scratch rather than buy them ready made (which is a big deal for this former lazy cook). BUT (there is always a but), as my skills and advancements have come there, I have gotten very lax in cleaning my kitchen. I find myself wanting a dish washer, something I would never use before. Granted I have never lived anywhere that has one, but I have had exposure and chances to use them and opted to hand wash instead. I have tried to figure out why washing the dishes (something I don't really like to do, but hey, they HAVE to be washed) is so far at the bottom of the list that I can't even see it. I have justified it over and over again as being less important than other cleaning tasks or than spending time with my child. Then I realized that even when my wee one was sleeping soundly for naps or nighttime, I still didn't stand there most of the time and wash them. I think I may have finally come to an epiphany about this...when I wash the dishes I am not fully focused so, as with many other times in the day, my mind wanders to the thoughts that I push away when I fully focus. I find myself sitting up until way too late at night so I am too tired to not fall asleep quickly otherwise I will flip around in bed trying to digest different things that are going on or have happened as well as the things that I am waiting to happen. I am a planner and a procrastinator......I want to know all the details and have everything worked out, but will wait till the last minute to do anything LOL. So the future is very consuming in my mind, especially when I am restless in the present. To add to that is the fact that I keep thinking about everything that has happened to me in the recent past. Anytime I want to pinpoint how far back the recent past goes, though, I realize that there is something that came before that and it is still something I struggle with as well. So now I sit up until 2 or 3 in the morning trying to play games, search pins on Pinterest, or editing pictures of my little wonder so that I can go to bed ready to sleep rather than to relax myself to sleep. This makes if very hard for me to break this habit/pattern that we are in of not getting up until 8:30 or later most mornings. I love getting up early and having the whole day to get stuff done. When I don't get up till almost 9 (or later) it feels as though half my day is gone and the rest of it goes by so quickly. I hope this move will be a fresh start in more ways than one for us (well, me only...I don't really think my little bundle needs a fresh start at ALMOST a year old.......which is another thing that keeps my brain rolling Baby's First Birthday).

a revelation I came to some years ago but I find to be so true, it is one of the main things that drives me to be who I am and how I am. This profound realization is that no matter what my friends or family think I should do, I am the one that has to live with the decision I make. I can be given any advice but I have to choose to follow the advice that is best for me. I often wonder how many people think of this when they give advice to someone....no matter how much of an "expert" you may be (those quotes are there for the situations when they fit, not all situations). No matter the circumstances, no matter the issues, I am the one who is accountable for my actions. When it is all said and done, I have to choose to do what I believe is the best and be FULLY committed to it.

When choices need to be made, all possible outcomes must be considered as well. Not only must I live with the decision I make, but I must be willing to carry on with whatever fall out my choice includes.

I used to think things through and weigh the consequences with much more ease than I do now. In the past my choices only effected me but now I have my child to think of and that is making it so much harder. To figure out what is best for the babe, for me and for us both is very taxing. How do I make sure the choices I make are what is best for my child and not just rationalized that way to get what I want? <----this is what I keep wondering. I have been told I over think things but sometimes I don't think one can over think.....I just am not sure if this is one of those times.

Sorry I have been off for a bit....been stressed and in bad/depressed moods and couldn't think of anything to write that would not sound as such. Life just seems like its getting better than BAM!! knocks me back and the path I was on is no longer an option. I am trying to pull myself together....struggling to do so but trying none the less.

Since becoming a mom I see things so differently than I did before. In the past, any decision I made really only effected me, but now I have to weigh the consequences differently because the bigger issue is how they will effect my child. In the past when I wasn't sure about what to do or which choice to make, ultimately it would be easy to change my mind after the fact and make the necessary adjustments. Now, on the other hand, it isn't the same. Now I have to take into consideration what my choice means for and which is best for my child.

Right now I keep going back and forth on moving. Either way we are moving out of our apartment, but I am torn between staying in a town where I have friends and no family around (but am pretty much equally distant from both sides of my family) or moving to be closer to one side (and therefore, twice as far from the other). I can come up with reasons for and against both and so I struggle to know which is going to be the best decision as far as my child is concerned.

I know some of my reasons are more selfish but I worry that maybe I shouldn't blow them off so easily as being selfish and wonder if maybe I should give them more weight in my over all choice. One of these reasons is that I really like the doctor we have (third one for my child, who was about three months old at the first visit). I don't really want to go through that process again, plus my child has had some health issues and I am not sure I should switch since everything seems to be going so well now, and has been for a while too.

I also go back and forth on the issue of support. I know my friends are there for me, but they also have families and responsibilities of their own, whereas I have family with nothing else really going on that would be able to lend a hand in a pinch. I know part of my struggle is the fact that I am a pedestrian currently and part of me feels that if I changed this I would feel better about staying.

Although, I would have family there to help me (and they would out number my friends), they are also closed minded, openly opinionated and judgmental. I am not sure I want to have my child exposed to their comments and views at such an impressionable time. As good as the support and everything would be, I don't know that having them be such a big part of our lives would be good, nor am I sure that not going so that I have the support is a good idea.

I keep wondering if I just get back on the road so I can get us around to where we need to go, if we would be ok here. I know that it would help my depression....or atleast I think it would. I feel the depression so strongly when I feel helpless. When I need to go somewhere for my child (the store to get something/s or to the doctor) and cannot find a ride. It is such a frustrating feeling to be incapable of doing what I need to so that I can take care of my babe. I am so thankful that my baby has been so healthy and when things have come up they haven't been so important or have gone away on their own. The idea of NEEDING to get to the doctor and not being able to find a ride is one of my big fears anymore.

I also worry that if I were to get sick or something and couldn't care for my babe the way I need to, who could I turn to for help. My friends all have kids of their own, families and responsibilities to see to and would not be so freely available to help me be able to provide the care my child needs and deserves. I would not want nor ask ANYONE (family or friend) to take my babe but rather to come for a bit to help me or to be in our home so I could rest and not worry. I know it might be best to have someone take my baby away for a few hours or a night/day (whichever) but I just don't want us separated.

Well, anyway, the stress of trying to figure out which move to make for us....constantly weighing the pros and cons to see which pros ultimately out weigh the associated cons, and the helpless feeling of being a pedestrian and unable to do things for my child have me kinda down and depressed (that and the gloomy grey sky and chilly temps). Trying to get my homework and house work done, as well as sleep, while my babe is sleeping so I am able to enjoy the waking moments and new skills (not to mention I really cannot turn my back for more than a couple of seconds some times), has me a little overwhelmed and frazzled. All these things plus fact that I am not getting all the house work done and I am not getting enough sleep has me a bit crabby ( and therefore, feeling guilty about being so towards my child).

So, anyway, I probably won't have much inspired and uplifting to write for a while and so probably will cut myself back to once a week unless or until I have more positive stuff on my mind.

     Well, I didn't even make it a week writing everyday........I let my homework pile up until the weekend. I need to stop doing that. But then again, I say that EVERY weekend, and it has yet to sink in. I guess sometimes, even though you know better, you still don't do what you should. 

     My mind has been over-run trying to figure some people out this weekend and that is still what is on my mind tonight. So, rather than ramble on about how I cannot understand how people can be the way they are, I am just going to go with my new view on this issue. I can only understand things the way I do them, or am used to them. I cannot see the point of view of someone who thinks differently than I do. I cannot put myself in their shoes and get a look at life from their perspective.

     Although I may not agree with their views or choices, I must accept that they are entitled to have their own opinions and to do things the way they do. It is their life and they can live it however they want......in the end they have to answer for their own actions.

     Well, I am going to leave tonight's post short to avoid any farther agitation of the waters in my mind. 

     As my day is drawing to an end, I am thinking of ways to lead by example. I started making a list of things I needed to change and habits I needed to put an end to before my child turned one. I am really far behind and may just end up going cold turkey,,,,,which is probably what I should have done to begin with.

     Being single I developed a few short cuts to eliminate some unnecessary chores. I started drinking and eating out of the containers rather than dirty a dish or cup. I got really used to living alone and having no one to answer to. Now, although I don't really have to answer to my child, I do have to make sure I take care of the babe. With the first year almost behind us, I am realizing that I will no longer be the only one drinking the juice and milk. I won't be the only one eating the ice cream, dip and such. I will have to go back to washing glasses just for a quick drink and dishes and silverware for dip, bowls for ice cream. I will no longer be able to just eat it out of the pan.

     I also realized that I am going to need to get plastic plates and bowls soon.....which means more dishes. Which has brought me to point of change in my own life. I have always been the weird girl who would rather wash the dishes than mess with the dish washer. Now, I have never lived somewhere with a dishwasher, but whenever I babysat somewhere that had one, I would wash the dishes by hand......if the dishes in the dishwasher were clean, I would put them away but I would never run it myself.

     I now realize how much I want one. Before it always felt like a cop out to not do the dishes, but now I would rather load the machine up, push the buttons (or whatever) and walk away to play with my wee one. Most of this is probably coming from a place within me that feels so stretched with trying to do things while my baby is in bed sleeping. A few hours a day is not enough to keep up on homework and housework. Now I do manage some tasks while my babe is awake...I sweep, vacuum and cook for the most part and I can do laundry. The hard part is the things that require me to turn my back and possibly miss a new development (rolling from back to belly happened while I was in the other room) or if I am doing dishes I won't hear if I am needed.

     I love the fact that I am able to be with my child every moment and wouldn't give a second of it up for anything, but I would also like to be able to stop time to do the chores and such so I don't miss a single moment of this time. Maybe I feel the need to be there so much since it is just me, but I don't know. All I do know is that I want to guide and teach my child and if I am not able to be the SAHM or WAHM I really want to be, then I am going to make the most of it while I can.

     Last night my wee one got the hiccups as I was emptying the tub and I said "Say hiccup"....granted not in a normal voice or with a straight voice, but this is apparently EXTREMELY FUNNY if you are 9 and a half months old. The laughter continued today as I faked a few hiccups during the day as well as some sneezes.

     This has reminded me of how easily entertained I am sometimes....especially when the entertainment is my child's laugh. I have learned many things about myself in the years I have been alive, and one of the hardest to remember sometimes, is to revel in the small stuff. The simple pleasures life gives that we all to often become used to and take for granted. I know it sounds cliche and maybe a little preachy in a way, but I have seen posts on Pinterest and Facebook about how we should thank God for the things in our lives....even (and maybe most importantly the little everyday things).

     I think it sounds kinda uncaring/bragging to thank God for not being sick, but I know I can rephrase it to say thank you, God for keeping me healthy because if I were sick I don't know how I would be able to care for my babe. I have had a few days where I wasn't feeling the greatest and not being able to care for my child as I normally would made me feel worse, but also determined to get well quickly.

     One of the posts asks "What if you woke up with only the things you thanked God for yesterday"....this one makes me wonder what do I have today that I wouldn't want to find gone when I woke up. The other asks "Did you thank God for waking you up today?" (this isn't the exact wording, but the point is still there.
 
     I love to watch my babe play on the floor and learn and discover things and I don't even want to think about what my life would be like today if I didn't not have this sweet being in my daily life. I wasn't exactly in the best of situations when I got pregnant and am not exactly flourishing now, but I know my child keeps me centered and grounded.

   Looking back over the things that have tested me in the past, I now think my reason for surviving was to raise my child. That I was tested and survived to show me how strong and capable I am, that no matter how hard things may seem, I can do it. I have often said my pregnancy was a breeze and it was....if I could be GUARANTEED that every one would be like that I would do it again in a heartbeat (well, I would do it again either way since I would love to have more children but that is beside the point) and so far raising my child is easy peasey. I have stress and all, but not from my babe or being a mother, but from life in general and my own issues from my life.

     Ok, I got a little long and all, so if you are still reading.......kudos to you. In short being a mother has taught me to be thankful for even the little everyday things, and take nothing for granted. Yeah, it may still be there tomorrow, but just in case the aren't be sure to enjoy them today. As anyone with kids can tell you......they grow up FAST!!

     Ok, so I am going to TRRRRRY to post something each day....no promises though :). Not only am I a mother, but I am a single mother with a two bedroom apartment to clean and I am a full time student. I take all my classes online, so it is up to me to stay motivated......anyone who knows me, knows this CAN be a challenge for me.
     Well, today's lesson I have learned from my child is that making a schedule or a plan of how things are going to happen is pointless when it involves another person. No matter how young or old, capable or not, that person may not see keeping the schedule as important as you do. I have always been a work til it is done and then take a break kind of person, but since becoming a mom I have had to stop doing chores or homework at the insistant cry of my child.....like now, for instance. I guess playing with toys while I cook (and type between stirring) isn't part of my child's plan.

***************************************************************

     Ok, dinner is done, bath is taken, jammies are on and the babe has had a bottle and is in bed. Now it is mama time (which is something I always feel so overwhelmed when I get that I cannot always decide what to do with it). Tonight I have washed bottles and cleaned up a bit. Now I am finishing this and moving on to homework.
      My child has taught me to value the importance of time. Some time is meant to be spend doing chores, or homework. Most time is meant to be spent with the babe....learning that things CAN wait, that they are not going move or disappear is a lesson I have learned but do need reminded about again and again. I have learned to let that need to clean the bathroom, do the dishes, bake the cookies, TAKE A SHOWER, and such will wait but the babe is only going to be this age for the moment. I would rather sleep a few hours at night and wake to my happy baby than get a "complete" nights sleep. I would rather spend the day playing on the floor with a mirror or a ball, watch cartoons, read books and wipe drool off my face than sweep, mop, scrub, disinfect (which I am sure not too many people really want to do these things but they are a necessary part of a clean home).
     Since becoming a mom I have come to grips with having my stove top not be perfectly white and streak free, that having spit-up on my clothes isn't the worst thing in the world and I will survive if I don't get them changed until AFTER the babe is done napping on me, that I can still function through the day with only a few hours of sleep (and for a few days in a row too). AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, that sometimes it is completely ok to put off housework and take a nap (probably one of the hardest lessons for me).