We recently had a visit from the other half. Fourth one since we officially gave up trying to make it work and first one since summer. It was awkward and I stressed about it up until it was over, which it was a really short visit so I felt like I had really over-stressed and over-prepared.

     I understand he has a life to live and other children. I understand he has a job and other responsibilities, I even understand that I am the one that moved us roughly two hours away. What I just cannot understand is the total and complete lack of concern or "attention".

     I have been thinking about this, much of my little's short life, as well as times during my pregnancy (since we were split up more than we were together) as well as throughout my life. I had an absentee father as well. I went on the emotional roller coaster of abandonment, unwanted, unloved and many other feelings and issues. I never wanted this type of struggle for my own child so I find myself in unwanted waters.

     My issues with my own father and his lack of involvement and contact during my life has left me with certain voids and apprehensions as an adult, among other issues. I have struggled with them more and more as I have gotten older. I know that I may never fully work through all the issues and I worry about the impact upon my own child who's father has shown no real interest or involvement.

     I struggle with certain aspects of our past in our current situation. I have chosen to leave my old life behind, and with it many of the connections I had have been severed. I have chosen to cut people out of our lives because they were not having good effects on me or us. With this choice, nearly two years ago, to move away, I also chose to move on...FRESH. Since the other half had not bothered to be a part of anything for nine months, I took that as an indication that he was not interested or intending to be involved at all.

     About nine or ten months after we moved, he emailed me and it sounded like just business, but then he continued to email, claiming he was not getting responses from me. I finally created a new email address and started communicating that way. He ended up making the trip and having a short visit about a year ago now, and a couple more during the summer.

     As I mentioned, he has other children. Children I had interacted with and gotten to know and come to care about. It is tough, but I choose not to really ask about them now. Not that I don't care, but because I don't feel like it is my business anymore. I left that part of my life behind and I am not wanting to overstep boundaries or cross lines. This truly is new territory for me and I am making the choice I feel is best.

     I often wonder if it is possible to ever really stop caring. How long will it take before I am no longer questioning if I am really caring or if I am trying to be nosy. I may come across as uncaring, but I give back as much as I feel I get. I rarely hear from the other half, and when I do, it is usually a simple "How are you guys" text. The messages come at irregular intervals, usually one to two weeks apart, but it has been longer, even over a month at least once.

     I question how much is actual interest, and how much is obligatory. I wonder how it can be, that a parent can show such little regard for their own child. I know my parental experience and connection is different, but he has chosen to be disconnected. He has never asked for much more than random visits. He has mentioned taking my child for a night or two "to give me a break" to which I replied "I am not looking for a break".

     I cannot speak for the future, but I know, for now, I am content to have my child with me, and not two hours away...especially if things do not go smoothly. I have no intentions of denying visits, but I worry about their sporadic occurrences and the impression they will have in the long run, especially as the years go by and my babe gets older and more aware.

     Currently, my mini only knows him as "The Guy". I haven't placed any parental/paternal title on him, because one, I don't think he has really earned any, and two, because I don't want my child to think that this kind of presence is acceptable for a father. I have considered using his actual name, but I feel that is inappropriate. In time, if his involvement doesn't pick up, then I may go that route, but if it does and/or I ever feel it is the right time to use a paternal title for whatever reason, then there hopefully won't be any (or at least as much) confusion.